Signs that many mistake for love in a toxic relationship. Specialist: “Control can look like care”
Why do some people end up in relationships where they feel controlled, manipulated, or constantly in conflict? A new study published in Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy shows that certain personality traits significantly increase the risk of toxic behaviors in couples, from aggression and dominance to emotional or sexual pressure.
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The researchers looked at three types of behaviors commonly associated with toxic relationships: a tendency toward manipulation, a lack of empathy, and an excessive need for control and validation. People with such traits tend to be more impulsive, more conflicted, and more willing to control or manipulate those around them to get what they want.
How a toxic relationship actually starts
The study, cited by Psy Post, was conducted on 624 adults who answered questions regarding their relationships, the way they are emotionally attached to their partner and the situations of aggression, emotional pressure or sexual pressure experienced as a couple. The results showed that people who more often displayed manipulative and domineering behaviors had relationships marked by frequent arguments, aggression and repeated conflicts.
Of all the behaviors analyzed, lack of empathy and the tendency to react impulsively were most strongly associated with aggression in relationships. Researchers say that people who have difficulty creating genuine emotional bonds react more easily hostilely in tense situations and more often cause conflict in couples.
At the same time, the tendency towards manipulation and control was associated especially with emotional and sexual pressures on the partner. According to the study's authors, these people frequently use tactics such as guilt, false promises, emotional blackmail or positions of power to gain control in the relationship.
The study also shows that people with manipulative or dominant tendencies often end up in relationships full of arguments, tension and emotional instability. Even after relationships that caused them pain, many end up experiencing similar dynamics again.
Adlerian psychotherapist Gabriela Răileanu explains why “The Truth” that toxic relationships rarely begin with overt aggression.
“Many people end up in a toxic relationship without realizing it from the start. Rarely is the controlling, manipulative, or aggressive behavior suddenly and blatantly obvious in the first few months. More often than not, these behaviors set in gradually, amid moments of closeness, promises, emotional intensity, and periods when the relationship seems to be working very well.” says the psychotherapist.
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At first, control may seem like concern, interest, or emotional involvement. Cues like “tell me when you get home, I'm just worried about you” “I don't like your girlfriend, I feel like she's putting ideas in your head” or “I don't understand why you need time without me if you love me” are often interpreted as proofs of love.
Why it's so hard to get out of a toxic relationship
“In many cases, the person who later becomes controlling or manipulative is very attentive, present, and deeply involved at the beginning of the relationship. This is precisely why many victims later say, 'At first it seemed like the most loving relationship I've ever had,'” explains Gabriela Răileanu.
She says that such behaviors become problematic when they occur constantly and end up limiting the other person's freedom. Jealousy presented as proof of love, criticism masked by “jokes”, the pressure to gradually give up friends or family and the lines like “exaggerate” or “you imagine things” are among the most common situations encountered in toxic relationships.
According to the psychotherapist, one of the reasons why people stay in such relationships is the alternation between closeness and tension. Toxic partners are not aggressive all the time. After conflicts, there are often apologies, promises and intense moments of closeness.
“The victim begins to live between fear and hope. Painful moments are often followed by closeness, and this reactivates the belief: “Maybe he will really change””. completes the psychotherapist.
Over time, the relationship begins to affect self-esteem and confidence in one's own perceptions. Many people come to believe that they are the problem and begin to constantly adapt to avoid conflict.
“The victim begins to think: “Maybe I'm really asking too much”, “Maybe I'm too sensitive”, “If I reacted more calmly, he wouldn't get angry” explains Gabriela Răileanu.
Another important signal is gradual isolation from family and friends. Many times this appears subtly, through comments such as “your friends are a bad influence”, “your mother interferes too much in our relationship” or “I see that others are more important to you than me.”
The psychotherapist says that many people get stuck in the hope that their partner will return to the person they were at the beginning of the relationship or that love will change them. In reality, the specialist emphasizes, genuine change rarely occurs in the absence of commitment and specialized help.
Moreover, Gabriela Răileanu draws attention to the fact that healthy relationships are not based on fear, control or permanent tension. “In a healthy relationship, you can say no without fear, you can have close relationships with family and friends, you can express what you feel without being emotionally punished, and you don't live in constant fear of the other person's reaction. Healthy love is not about control. It is about safety, respect, and the freedom to exist authentically in the relationship.”
