An educator's viral testimony about the lack of love in wealthy families: “The last day I cried in the toilet, secretly”

A post that went viral on Facebook moved and made thousands of people think. A former teacher told about the experience she had with a child from a wealthy family, but who missed the time spent with his parents and the manifestation of love. ,,Clothes, sweets, toys, paid taxes cannot replace what a child needs, without exception, to grow harmoniously: unconditional love from parents, grandparents. In child psychology there is a simple, universally valid rule: a child cannot regulate his emotions unless he has an adult heart in which to rest.” wrote the author of the post, Roxana Andreea Rusu. And because the love and care for children just needs to be spread, we got in touch with her, let's see what messages she still has to convey.

Roxana Andreea Rusu PHOTO Facebook

The lesson post that started it all. About the thirst for love and how it can manifest itself

Roxana Andreea Rusu is currently a psychopedagogue and writer, but she was a teacher for many years. He often shares lessons learned during that time on his Facebook page, and recently, POSTING about an experience she had as an educator went viral.

“I was working at a private kindergarten, with a high monthly fee and enough staff (I had three helpers in the large group, which I coordinated). At one point, the director announces that, starting the next day, two new children will arrive: a 6-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl. Their mother, a Romanian settled in the USA, had said that she was coming on vacation with the little ones to Romania, to their grandparents. And, so that “they don't get bored”, he will bring them to kindergarten for two weeks, that is, exactly as long as they stayed in the country, for which he had paid two whole fees. The children spoke only English, and the mother had described them as sociable, without problems. We had also learned that the parents had been divorced for about two years, so the headmistress asked us to avoid any discussion about their father. (…) The next day, the mother appears with the two children. Immaculately dressed in a beautiful outfit, she practically pushes them inside and enters the principal's office. After ten minutes, he leaves. We begin, with all our experience, to socialize with the little ones. But after only a few minutes, the boy, a strong child for his age, goes into a behavioral crisis the likes of which I have rarely seen. He scratched us (then I noticed, among the branded clothes, uncut and dirty nails), spat on us, cursed us, kicked us, rolled on the floor. The children in the group were scared; they were not used to such scenes. We decided to work in teams: the other children went to another room with two of the helpers. I, together with the third colleague, stayed with the two brothers. The little girl was attracted to toys and objects, easy to handle. With the boy… it was another story. We started a calm dialogue, asking him if he wanted us to call his mother, assuring him that he was safe with us, that we welcome him here with play and good cheer. He was screaming no and no. I later found out that the headmistress had already called the mother several times. No response to calls or messages. I asked him why he thought he wasn't answering. And he howled, almost breaking my soul: > How well that child knew his own mother…” said the former educator in the first part of the post.

“I spent two weeks holding a 6-year-old boy who was just screaming for love”

How did things continue?

“To cut it short: my mother only came at the end of the program. We thought maybe he hadn't seen the calls, maybe it was the first day, maybe… whatever, he had to know what had happened. I told him with all my professional experience and with great delicacy: that the boy cried a lot, screamed, was aggressive, that he was sick. After about 20 minutes, her only response was, >That's it. The headmistress agreed to continue coming to the normal schedule, out of pity for the children. And I spent two weeks holding a 6-year-old boy by my side who was simply screaming for love. I hugged him, stroked him, read him stories, talked to him a lot, cut his nails, wiped his tears when he cried. The little girl adapted more easily, but he…suffered visibly, deeply, severely. After two weeks and all the emotional baggage, on their last day at the pen, I secretly cried in the toilet after they left. They were two beautiful children, intelligent, pure at heart, but without what no money can buy, love from the family. Because clothes, sweets, toys, paid taxes cannot replace what a child needs, without exception, to grow harmoniously: unconditional love from parents, grandparents. In child psychology there is a simple, universally valid rule: a child cannot regulate his emotions unless he has an adult heart in which to rest. No matter how many material resources they have, no matter how many programs, activities or luxury kindergartens, nothing can compensate for the absence of the most basic emotional needs: affection, safety, presence, tenderness, real attention. Love is not a “bonus”. It is the foundation on which everything is built: self-confidence, self-control, empathy, relationships, the child's future.” wrote Roxana Andreea Rusu.

“If the post helps even one person, it means it has achieved its goal”

I contacted the author and talked about the post, the basic needs of children, and how teachers can help students who are dealing with overwhelming emotional pain.

The truth: Your post was widely shared, emotional and thought-provoking. Do you expect this impact?

Roxana Andreea Rusu: Every time I share from my experiences, I do so with the hope that the information will be useful, I have no other expectations. If the post helps even one person, it has achieved its goal. I believe in continuous learning, at any age. I too learn daily from the comments I receive and from the experiences of others.

Have you faced situations like that of the little boy before in your career?

I remember at least two other situations, where the children came from families with very good financial situation, but did not receive parental love. Fortunately, in my practice, these cases were rare.

Both psychology and practice show us that, fortunately, there are very few parents who really do not love their children. However, there are quite a few who do not know how to express their feelings. Why do you think this happens?

That's right, in these situations where love exists but is not expressed, the answers could be found in the childhood of the parents. Many times, the difficulty in showing affection is related to the relational and emotional patterns with which adults grew up, in turn. If a parent spent their childhood in an environment where emotions were minimized, criticized or ignored, it will be difficult for them to express warmth, even if they feel it.

They are also parents with a lot of professional responsibilities, with two jobs. Because of the alert, demanding pace of life, the high level of stress, it leaves little room for emotional connection with the child, and time passes quickly.

There are also situations where parents try to compensate for the lack of time and presence with material benefits. But no matter how generous they are, gifts, money or objects given cannot replace the communication, attention and direct relationship between parent and child.

How eager are children to receive love, especially at a young age? What are their essential needs?

Love is a necessity for children, just like the need for safety or food. Because it provides a psychologically optimal growth environment. Children need affection from the family in order to develop in a balanced way. The love they receive is the basis of their emotional development. A loved child feels seen, accepted, protected and thus forms a strong attachment to his parents and family. During adolescence, when all kinds of external influences appear, when the child will make many choices on his own, this attachment, built over time, will become very important, a kind of valuable anchor.

“Children often express through behavior what they cannot express in words”

What message do you have for educators who may be tempted to label children with slightly aggressive behaviors as “difficult”? How can you reach a child's heart?

It is not easy to manage such situations, but they do occur and we must strive to find solutions. It is recommended that these situations be observed, documented and addressed in collaboration with the family and, if necessary, with specialists (school counselor, psychologist). The first priority is safety when such behavior occurs. Of the child who manifests, of the staff and of the other children. I am convinced that most teachers know what they have to do. For those at the beginning of their careers, I can say that it is important to control their negative emotions, not to take the child's manifestation personally, to keep calm. If these are not isolated incidents, produced by the impulsiveness of the moment, if there are no known medical causes in the middle, then there is probably a more complex personal situation that can be the cause of these manifestations.

Children often express through behavior what they cannot express in words: tiredness, stress, changes in the family, lack of attention or emotional difficulties.

As for connection, we must not forget that affection and communication are powerful resources. Children immediately feel if they are looked at with empathy, patience and openness. It doesn't mean being ultra permissive, you can have a firm but calm, gentle attitude. Little ones are more receptive to emotionally available adults who approach them with gentleness and consistency. They open up and regulate their behavior more easily. If we try to understand their emotional needs, we can reach their heart more easily.

Roxana Andreea Rusu is an author of children's books and psychopedagogue. She worked as an educator, teacher and teacher.