In a world where the term “self-care” has become the new moral imperative, we sometimes run the risk of confusing healing and emotional self-regulation with avoidance. A study recently published in Scientific Reports (Nature, 2025) by a team of Polish researchers shows that self-forgiveness only really works when it is backed by clarity and accountability, not self-justification.
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More specifically, researchers Sebastian Binyamin Skalski-Bednarz, Loren Toussaint, Patrycja Uram, Dagna Kocur and Dariusz Krok conducted a long-term study in Poland on 164 participants, looking at the relationship between mindfulness, compassion and the ability to forgive. The results were clear: the state of mindfulness increases the level of self-compassion, and this, in turn, causes the emergence of self-forgiveness.
When gentleness becomes avoidance
Thus, the team showed that mindful attention reduces inner criticism and the intensity of emotional reactions, creating a space for reflection and affective regulation. Self-compassion, defined as a combination of self-kindness, awareness of one's own humanity, and emotional balance, allows people to recognize their limits without condemning themselves. Moreover, the paper demonstrated that this attitude contributes to a mature form of forgiveness, based on the assumption of mistakes, not on their denial.
When misunderstood, gentleness turns into subtle justification. Instead of facing the discomfort and shame, we make “conscious” excuses. This is precisely why the authors of the study warn that mindfulness, if practiced without an ethical dimension, can support avoidance mechanisms. From a clinical perspective, this distortion frequently occurs in perfectionistic or anxious individuals who confuse self-acceptance with abdication of responsibility.
“Mindfulness is a central concept in psychology and the practice of meditation, with origins in Buddhist traditions, but which has recently been adapted and integrated into contemporary psychological research. The contemporary definition of mindfulness often refers to a form of open, non-judgmental, moment-to-moment awareness of present experience. It involves heightened attention to what is happening in the present, without actively judging or re-evaluating these experiences.” Mirela Maftei, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, explains for “Adevărul”. Moreover, mindfulness is associated with a variety of techniques aimed at emotional self-regulation, facilitating self-awareness and reducing stress and anxiety symptoms.
“But beyond a certain threshold, unconditional gentleness can become a refined form of avoidance: instead of facing our own faults, we excuse ourselves in the name of 'acceptance.' Thus, compassion turns into complicity, and reflection becomes a space of psychological comfort, not growth.” says the psychotherapist.
According to his statements, the psychology of trauma shows us that the authentic process of healing involves confrontation, integration and acceptance. “Without an ethical dimension, mindfulness risks being reduced to a calming technique, and self-forgiveness a defensive strategy disguised as gentleness. True gentleness does not exclude responsibility. On the contrary, it includes it. Forgiving yourself does not mean absolving yourself of consequences, but lucidly recognizing your limits and repairing what you can. Mindfulness thus becomes not an escape from discomfort, but a mature return to reality, where healing actually begins,” adds Mirela Maftei.
What does spiritual literature say?
This perspective is also found in modern spiritual thought. For example, in the volume How to love (Publishing For You), Louise Hay writes:
“Forgiveness opens our heart to self-love. People who have trouble loving themselves are almost always people who are unwilling to forgive, because unforgiveness closes that door. When we forgive and let go, not only is a huge weight lifted from our shoulders, but the door to self-love opens.”
In “Trust in Life,” the same author continues: “The pain and suffering we feel has to do with self-forgiveness, not another's. Healing is a separation from the past. Without forgiveness, you cannot overcome your past. You will feel stuck. […] Through forgiveness, we remind ourselves of the simple truth that we are worthy of love. Through forgiveness, we can be a loving presence to the people in our lives.”
If science talks about emotional regulation and reducing self-criticism, spiritual literature translates the same reality into a language of inner reconnection. Forgiveness, in both senses, involves a separation from the past and a rearrangement of the relationship with one's own guilt. Without this process of recognition, neither psychology nor meditation produces real change.
Authentic mindfulness is not a form of escapism, but a practice of presence. He does not seek peace as an end, but truth as a process. And in a world that mistakes balance for indifference, self-forgiveness remains one of the most difficult and honest forms of inner courage.
What netizens are saying about self-forgiveness
On Reddit, in a “How do I forgive myself?” post, dozens of users shared personal experiences about guilt, shame, and the process of forgiveness. The message that opened the conversation said:
“I made a colossal mistake. A drastic, life-changing mistake. I felt immense shame, fully deserved. I try not to make excuses for what I did and use this mistake to become a better person. But it's very hard for me to forgive myself. I don't know how I can. I know what I did was wrong, I knew it even when I was doing it. So why did I do it?”
Someone wrote: “I have never fully forgiven myself and I don't think I ever will. But that's not a bad thing. Because I don't let guilt be the most important part of my experience, I use it as a force that pushes me to improve. I only forgave myself for the essential part: that I am human and I make mistakes. It happens to everyone. If at some point you mishandled something because you didn't have the right tools, that's okay, as long as you learn and move on.”
Another participant added: “To err is human. The bigger the mistake, the more appropriate the lesson.”
Another commenter said:
“What you're feeling now is guilt. It's your subconscious' signal that you've violated an important moral standard for you. You can use that emotion as a tool for change to make sure you don't repeat the mistake.”
Another user wrote:
“No one is really to blame for the factors that cause them to act a certain way. We are conditioned by genes, upbringing, culture, experiences. Self-knowledge is the key, but it's very hard to break free of your programming.”
Someone else replied:You are solely responsible for how you respond to these terms. You can't blame genes for your mistakes. Consciousness and consequences define you.”
The exchange of lines ended with a conclusion that brought reconciliation between the positions: “Social responsibility exists, but our freedom is limited by all these conditionings. What we can really control is the intentions and effort to do good.”
Another panelist said: “The past is what shapes us. Without it, we wouldn't be as wise or empathetic. Regret can make you more considerate and kind to others. You can turn your mistakes into lessons for others. Help others who are going through the same thing, and you'll help yourself.”
“Self-forgiveness doesn't mean what you did was okay. It means you choose to live. Learn, change what you can, and move on.”someone else added.
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