The mistake many people make after being rejected. Specialist: “Many people come to believe that there is something wrong with them”
Many people believe that it is much more painful to be rejected by someone you want to start a relationship with than by a potential friend.
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A new study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology it shows, however, that rejection hurts almost as much, whether it comes from a potential partner or someone you just wanted to be friends with.
Researchers say that people tend to place more importance on couple relationships than friendships and invest more emotional expectations in a potential partner. For this reason, many expect rejection from a person they are attracted to will hurt more than rejection from a potential friend.
In the first stage of the study, 1,500 American adults were asked what would hurt them more: being rejected by someone they wanted a relationship with or someone they wanted a friendship with. Almost half of the participants said that the first type of rejection would be more painful.
When the researchers analyzed the participants' actual reactions, however, the conclusions were different. In the study, hundreds of people used an app that mimicked dating and social networking platforms and received positive or negative feedback from other users. Some were accepted and others rejected by people with whom they would have wanted either a relationship as a couple or a friendship.
The results showed that people feel worse after being rejected and better when accepted, regardless of the context. The researchers observed no significant differences between the reactions of those rejected by a potential partner and those rejected by a potential friend.
The study authors also noted that many people imagine that a rejection will affect them more than it actually does. In many cases, the fear and anticipation of suffering proved more intense than the actual experience of rejection.
Why a refusal can reactivate older fears
Cognitive-behavioral psychotherapist Laura Găvan explains why “The Truth” that the suffering caused by rejection is not only related to the present situation, but also to the way the person interprets that rejection.
“From what I observe in the office, rejection often activates something much deeper than the current situation. It's not just the message “no” that hurts, but the meaning the person attributes to that rejection: “I'm not good enough”, “I'll be abandoned”, “I don't matter to others” or “I always end up being rejected””. explains the psychotherapist.
According to Laura Găvan, the intensity of emotional pain does not depend exclusively on the type of relationship, but also on the already existing emotional vulnerabilities. People who grew up in environments where affection was unpredictable, critical, or conditioned more often develop heightened sensitivity to rejection. Thus, even a seemingly trivial rejection can reactivate older fears of abandonment or lack of personal worth.
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The psychotherapist also says that, at such moments, the mind often begins to automatically produce negative interpretations. A missed message, a declined invitation, or a breakup can quickly trigger thoughts like “I'm not important”, “everyone is leaving me” or “there's something wrong with me.”
“These interpretations do not necessarily reflect reality, but emotional filters formed over time,” explains Laura Găvan.
The way people react to rejection is also influenced by the attachment style formed in childhood. People with an anxious attachment tend to interpret emotional distance as a major danger and constantly seek reassurance. Conversely, people with an avoidant style may appear detached, but often repress their distress and avoid emotional closeness to avoid reliving painful experiences, he said.
Laura Găvan also points out that the pain can become even more intense when a vicious circle appears between thoughts, emotions and behaviors. Many people end up obsessively analyzing conversations, constantly checking messages, or looking for explanations for rejection. The more he ruminates on the experience, the more the negative emotion is amplified.
“In the short term, avoidance reduces anxiety, but in the long term it maintains fear and confirms the belief that emotional closeness is dangerous”explains the psychotherapist.
For people who have gone through emotional abandonment, traumatic separations or unstable relationships in childhood, a current rejection can have a much stronger impact, as sometimes, the emotional reaction is not only about the current situation, but also about older experiences of loss and rejection, as the specialist adds.
The psychotherapist notes that many people come to see rejection as evidence that there is something wrong with them, when in reality it may have more to do with incompatibility, the context, or the emotional availability of the other person than the rejected person's self-worth.
“The real fact may be that someone has chosen to withdraw from the relationship, but the painful interpretation often becomes 'I'm not worth enough'. There is an important difference between the two.” emphasizes Laura Găvan.
She also says that healthy rejection management begins with noticing your automatic inner dialogue and differentiating between facts and interpretations. It also helps limit rumination, avoid impulsive reactions, and maintain social contact even during periods of emotional distress.
“Rejection hurts because we need connection and belonging, but a rejection doesn't define a person's worth or their ability to build healthy relationships in the future.” concludes the psychotherapist.
