How to ask relatives for money back without ruining the relationship. The 3 saving messages proposed by psychologists to get rid of embarrassment
A post on Reddit, in the ro/Frugal community, caused several reactions after a person said that he had loaned his sister and her ex-husband £3,000 around five years ago. Of the sum, 700 pounds remained to be returned, but in the meantime, his sister had gone through a divorce, rebuilt her life, and the debt was no longer discussed.
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The author of the post says that she avoided bringing up the topic of money for a long time, especially since her sister was going through several important changes: building a house, a new civil ceremony and then the wedding. Over time, however, it began to bother her that the rest of the debt seemed completely forgotten, which is why she asked on the forum: “How do I approach the situation, as if I also feel stupid?”.
“You don't have to feel bad about your money”
In the comments, users came up with solutions that ranged from diplomatic approaches to much more direct money-recovery options. The point that was repeated most often, however, was that people shouldn't feel guilty when they ask for their money back. “You don't have to feel bad about your money“, one of the users sent him, in one of the most appreciated comments.
Many advised him to open the discussion as simply and without reproaches as possible. One user suggested that she say that she needs money during this time and that it would help her if she got the rest of the amount back so that she wouldn't have to borrow again.
Others felt that the subject should be addressed directly, without complicated explanations: “Now that you're at home, what are we going to do with that money?”, was one of the formulations proposed in the discussion.
There were also jokes. Some suggested that the remainder of the debt should be considered a “wedding gift” and others recommended that the person who gave the money should in turn ask the sister for a loan to see how she reacts and if she remembers the old debt.
There were also comments from those who said that sometimes it's healthier to accept that you lost that money and look at the situation as a lesson about limits and borrowing between loved ones.
Beyond the ironies and funny lines, the discussion revealed how uncomfortable it becomes for many people when they have to ask for their money back from family or friends.
Why we end up avoiding talking about money
Clinical psychologist Luminița Tăbăran says that loans between relatives or friends, although frequent, become complicated when it comes to large amounts and relationships that people do not want to lose.
“Loans between friends or relatives are common, but when they involve a large amount of money, they can create a delicate situation. It is recommended to treat the loan as something clear from the beginning, without becoming rigid. When you have to protect both your money and the relationship, the difficulty arises”, explain for “The Truth” the psychologist.
According to the specialist, one of the frequent mistakes we make is the lack of a return period. Even if there is a tendency to let things be more relaxed between those close to you, this can create confusion or endlessly delay the moment of returning the money.
“Even if you can still make adjustments along the way, it's still necessary to set a return deadline. Never say, 'You'll give it to me when you have it!', or they might think they never have it!”she claims.
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Luminita Tăbăran recommends that, before borrowing money, each person should ask themselves if they can afford to lose that amount. Otherwise, the risk is not only financial but also relational.
“The ideal is to lend an amount that you are willing to lose. If losing money would affect your relationship or peace of mind, it is better to refuse or give a smaller amount”the specialist considers.
How to ask for the money without ruining the relationship
When the return deadline has passed, the psychologist says that avoiding the discussion does not help. The subject can be broached calmly, without accusations, but clearly enough that the other person understands that the debt has not been forgotten.
According to him, a simple formulation can be: “Do you have any idea when you can return my loan?”. If the person cannot pay immediately, a new term or repayment in installments can be discussed, but flexibility should not mean endless postponement.
“You can offer flexibility, but not indefinitely, you can propose a new term or payment in installments”, explains Luminița Tăbăran.
The specialist also says that it is important that the issue of money be separated, as much as possible, from the personal relationship. Otherwise, talking about debt can end up being perceived as an accusation or a breakup.
“Although it seems difficult, we have to separate the issue of the loan from the relationship. If you accept that you may not get your money back, you can adjust the relationship, but if you still have to choose between money and friendship, try to consciously decide: is your goal to get your money back or to keep the relationship even if you lose something?”, points out the psychologist.
After this clarification, the person who gave the money can choose the right tone. Luminita Tăbăran offers three variants of messages that can be sent to those who borrowed the money, depending on their relationships.
A friendly variant can be: “I wanted to ask you about the money I lent you. Any idea when you could pay it back? I need it around this time.”
A more neutral but clear version may sound like this: “I'm coming back about the loan amount – I had X due and I wanted to know when you can pay it back. It would help if we had a clear date.”
And if the discussion has been postponed too long, the psychologist also proposes a firmer wording: “I need to clarify the situation of the borrowed money. It has been overdue for some time and I need a concrete repayment plan (even in installments). Please tell me how we can solve it.”
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Embarrassment, pity and guilt
In many cases, the difficulty comes not only from the fear of rejection, but also from the way people explain their relationship with the debtor. Luminita Tăbăran says that some avoid asking for their money back because they feel guilty, because they were helped in turn, or because they end up mentally compensating for the debt with other forms of support received.
“Sometimes, the difficulty in asking for your right also comes from the feeling of guilt (perhaps you, in turn, owe) or from the obligation (the respective person helped you in another way or still offers you certain services) and somehow in your mind the energy of money is compensated with that of help”explains the specialist.
According to her, pity or embarrassment can block the discussion, and sometimes people choose not to ask for their money. The important thing is that the decision is an assumed one, not the result of an avoidance that leaves behind frustration.
“Other feelings like pity or embarrassment can stop you from bringing up the loan, and it's okay if you feel like not doing it,” adds the specialist.
According to the psychologist, avoiding the discussion about money only prolongs the tension between people. In many cases, she says, the built-up frustration ends up affecting the relationship more than the awkward debt conversation.
