Did he leave you “on seen”? The truth behind ghosting – Why people disappear without any explanation
Did he leave you “on seen” and then completely disappear without explanation? Although this type of behavior is often perceived as disrespectful, studies show that some people also use it as a form of personal protection. However, recent research indicates that ghosting can affect those left unanswered more than an outright refusal.
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Specifically, recent research published in the journal “Computers in Human Behavior” shows that ghosting keeps people emotionally stuck longer than a direct rejection. And it's not just about actual relationships, it's also about nascent conversations or interactions, exactly the kind of exchanges that often happen online.
In short, the difference is simple: when someone clearly tells you that they don't want to continue the conversation, even if it hurts, you have an answer. You know where you stand and you can move forward. In contrast, ghosting means that the other person disappears completely without any explanation. You don't know if you said something wrong, if something happened, or if he's just not interested anymore.
However, the lack of an answer creates confusion and keeps you coming back to the same question: “What happened?”. “It is precisely this uncertainty that is the problem”say the researchers. Without a clear ending, even a simple conversation can remain unfinished “open” in a person's mind more than they should.
Ghosting has become more common online, where interactions are fast and disappearing without a word is just as easy.
experiment
“Ghosting comes up frequently in everyday discussions about modern relationships and digital communication. While many describe it as a particularly painful experience, others argue that disappearing might actually be gentler than explicitly rejecting someone. I wanted to test whether this intuition is really correct and better understand how people psychologically react to these two different ways of ending a relationship.”the study's lead author, Alessia Telari, explained to PsyPost.
To get the most accurate results, the researchers did not ask the participants what they felt in the past, but watched their reactions in real time.
More specifically, the participants were involved in daily conversations, for several days, with a chat partner. The discussions were ordinary, about mundane topics, precisely to create an interaction as natural as possible.
What the participants did not know was that the conversation partner was not an ordinary person, but a member of the research team, who was following a predetermined script.
After three days of normal conversations, on the fourth day the researchers suddenly changed the situation. Some of the participants received a direct message, in which they were clearly told that the interlocutor no longer wanted to continue the discussion. The others received nothing. The conversation simply stopped, with no explanation and no sign that it would ever continue.
What do these results mean in real life?
The effects were seen immediately in both cases. Participants reported negative emotions, felt rejected, and perceived a decrease in closeness to the person they had spoken with in the previous days.
At the same time, their self-esteem suffered, even though the interaction had been brief and seemingly trivial.
The real difference came in the following days. Those who were rejected outright began to recover relatively quickly. The message, even if it hurt, put an end to the conversation and there was no more room for interpretation.
In contrast, participants who did not receive any further responses remained blocked. Not because the initial pain was greater, but because they had no explanation. Basically, the situation remained “up in the air”.
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Some wondered if they had said something wrong. Others have considered that perhaps the other is unresponsive for some external reason. Some hoped the discussion would resume. Without a clear answer, everyone had to construct their own explanations – and this process was repeated day after day.
Researchers say that's exactly where the problem comes in: without a conclusion, the mind doesn't “close” the situation. He constantly returns to it, searches for meaning and does not find a stable one.
Therefore, the negative state persists longer in the case ghosting site than in the case of a direct rejection.
“It was interesting to note how similar the initial reactions to ghosting and rejection were. In both cases, people felt immediately hurt and their basic psychological needs were affected. However, in the following days, things began to differ. Rejected participants began to recover faster, and those who received 'ghosting' remained stuck in uncertainty for longer,” Alessia Telari also said.
To see if this pattern holds, the researchers repeated the experiment over a longer period. The results were the same.
Those who were directly rejected had a strong reaction at first, but in the following days the intensity of emotions began to decrease. Every day the situation became clearer and easier to accept.
On the other hand, in the case of those who have not yet received any response, things have evolved differently. The negative state did not diminish, but prolonged.
For example, the desire to withdraw and avoid other interactions did not appear immediately, but increased from day to day. At the same time, the way they perceived those who disappeared gradually changed for the worse.
“Although both experiences are painful, ghosting tends to be more psychologically difficult than explicit rejection. When someone disappears without explanation, the uncertainty can leave people stuck, wondering what happened: if the other person is okay, if they did something wrong, or if the relationship could continue. This lack of closure seems to prolong suffering and make it harder to move on. Conversely, while rejection hurts, the clarity of the message helps people process the situation and recover faster”explains Alessia Telari.
The researchers point out that the study was conducted under controlled conditions, on a limited sample of young adults. Real-life relationships can be more complex, and reactions can vary depending on the context.
However, the conclusion of the study remains relevant: avoiding a difficult conversation does not make things easier for the other person. On the contrary, it can prolong his suffering.
Why do some people choose to disappear without explanation
Other research shows that ghosting is not always a gesture of indifference, but sometimes a choice related to the context in which the interaction takes place.
According to studies analyzed by researcher Leah LeFebvre, the phenomenon is closely related to the way relationships work in the online environment. Dating platforms and social networks make it easier to connect with people outside your immediate circle, but they also reduce the sense of responsibility towards the other.
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In this context, the sudden interruption of communication often appears as a quick fix.
She shows that in many cases, those who choose to stop responding do so for practical reasons: to avoid an awkward conversation, because they are no longer interested, or because they do not want to invest more time in an interaction that is going nowhere.
However, there are also situations where the decision concerns personal protection or emotional health.
At the same time, the person who is left without an answer tries, most of the time, to understand on his own what happened. Questions about compatibility, interest or own behavior arise, and the lack of a clear answer can lead to repeated scenarios and negative interpretations.
Experts point out that ghosting has become so common that normalizing it can help reduce feelings of guilt or shame. In many cases, the disappearance of the other has less to do with the affected person and more to do with the context or the decision of the one who chose to cut off communication.
