How long does it actually take to get over a breakup? Psychologist: After 4 years, most people are only halfway there
Four years after a breakup, most people are only halfway through the relationship with their ex-partner completely, according to a study published in 2026 by researchers Chong and Fraley, titled “How Long Does It Take to Get Over an Ex-Partner?”.
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It happens that, from time to time, the thought of a person from the past returns for no clear reason, without being accompanied by longing or regret, but enough to seem out of place and raise the same question: why now?
The explanation lies not in the past, but in the way memory works and what psychologists call attachment. In a relationship, attachment is the bond through which a person becomes, over time, a fulcrum—someone you automatically turn to in times of stress, insecurity, or need.
This bond does not disappear with the breakup. It stays in the background, in the way you react, in the way you recognize situations, and in the associations you make without realizing it.
That's why such thoughts appear seemingly out of the blue: a familiar song, place, or state can bring back an image from the past, without having a deeper meaning. It's not a sign that you haven't moved on, but that the relationship mattered enough to leave a mark.
However, for some people, such moments do not remain only at the thought level. They can quickly lead to a reaction – a message, a call, an attempt to resume contact. It's not rare, and it doesn't depend on a single explanation: impulsivity occurs more easily in emotional contexts, especially when something familiar is reactivated.
This is where a common confusion arises. The fact that an ex-partner pops into your mind does not mean that the feelings have returned or that the relationship should be resumed. Most of the time, it's an automatic reaction, not a decision. That's why the specialists' recommendation is simple: to take a break between impulse and action. The thought may occur, but should not be immediately followed by the contact.
In a relationship, attachment is not just emotional closeness, but the fact that one person becomes, over time, a point of support for the other. Theresa E. DiDonato, PhD in psychology, describes it in a material published in Psychology Today as “more than a feeling”, a “interpersonal regulatory system” by which people calm and balance each other.
Attachment doesn't work the same way for everyone. Broadly speaking, psychologists talk about three main types: secure – when you can rely on the other person without fear, anxious – when you constantly need confirmation, and avoidant – when you avoid closeness. These differences explain why some people get over a breakup more quickly, while others remain anchored in the past for longer.
This type of bond is formed over time. In difficult situations, people turn to their partner, get an answer and calm down. “Stressed out? Think about him/her. Sad? Think about him/her. Overwhelmed? Think about him/her”, notes DiDonato.
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The problem arises when the relationship ends, but this connection does not disappear immediately.
Four years and you're only halfway there
The data shows that the connection with an ex-partner fades much more slowly than we might expect. Chong and Fraley (2026) studied 328 people who had broken up for an average of five years, after relationships of about 4.5 years, and found that a significant relationship leaves a much deeper mark than we are willing to admit.
“After about four years, most people are only halfway there. Only halfway!”writes Theresa E. DiDonato.
The researchers looked for two scenarios, namely that the connection with an ex-partner gradually diminishes or that it disappears completely at some point. The study confirms the second scenario, that there is a moment when it ends completely – only in some cases, that moment is delayed even more than ten years after the breakup.
Another important result concerns new relationships. Starting another relationship does not shorten the duration of the bond with the former partner, contrary to expectations. More specifically, Theresa E. DiDonato notes that a new attachment does not replace the old one, but exists, for a time, alongside it.
The fact that the thought of a former partner returns does not in itself have a hidden meaning. It doesn't mean you want to come to terms with it, nor that you haven't moved on. Rather, it is a result of how the brain works.
The human brain is built for attachments and it takes time to let them go. Not because the ex-partner deserves this space, but because that's how it works.
The explanation is, in part, evolutionary. In the past, people were separated from their loved ones for long periods of time, and bonds had to withstand these absences. A brain that forgot quickly was a brain that missed important people.
If the thought of an ex-partner keeps coming back years after the breakup, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you or your current relationship. “It's normal to be like that; it doesn't mean you want to make up with your ex, and it doesn't say anything about your current or future relationships.” says Theresa E. DiDonato.
In this sense, the conclusion of the research is a counterintuitively optimistic one: the fact that detachment is not instantaneous is not a flaw, but a testament to the intensity of human connections.
In the context in which the idea of “to get over” is often presented as a fast and controllable process, the data suggest otherwise. The mind has its own pace, and that pace cannot be hurried without cost.
In the end, what remains is not just the memory of the relationship, but evidence of a fundamental capacity: that of forming meaningful bonds. And the fact that these bonds don't disappear right away says more about human nature than any ex-partner.
