Why Christmas in the family overwhelms many Romanians: “I have the feeling that I am disturbing and that I am called out of obligation”

Many Romanians have told that they dread returning home for the holidays, because the joy of seeing family again turns, in a short time, into an oppressive feeling that makes them want to leave as soon as possible.

Family Christmas looks more idyllic in photos, some Romanians think. Freepik.com

“Family”, “light” and “gifts” are the words most frequently associated with the winter holidays, some research shows, but for many Romanians, returning to the family at Christmas becomes an oppressive experience.

While the idyllic images of the “Family Christmas” arouse nostalgia and many appreciations on social networks, many Romanians complain that the desire to see their loved ones again during the festive days is often followed by regrets.

Christmas in the family, from longing to regrets

Returning to the country from the West or to the family, after moving from their hometowns, many Romanians reported that they experienced an oppressive sensation, which dispelled homesickness, giving way to the desire to leave again, as soon as possible.

“I came home for Christmas and after two or three days I feel again why I left my family. There is no fight, no drama. Just a lack of connection and an oppressive atmosphere that makes me feel empty and confused.” was the message of a Romanian who returned home for the holidays, published on the Reddit platform.

Many Romanians have reported that they go through similar experiences. One of them believes that, during his long absence, his parents have developed certain habits, which he disturbs every time he visits them.

“It seems to me that I'm disturbing them, that I'm ruining their daily schedule. On the other hand, we also have some idyllic memories of what it would be like to get home, which don't match reality. It seems to me that I'm disturbing my parents when I get home, and when I go to my father-in-law's, they seem to try to get away from us after 3-4 hours. I have the feeling that I'm disturbing and that they call me and receive me out of obligation.” add this one.

Another claims that his parents insist on visiting them for the holidays and even get upset if he doesn't come, but their relationship is strained.

“The thing that annoys me the most is that they don't enjoy their old age. Only negativity, toxic relationships and pressure, too deeply ingrained habits and lack of curiosity. They don't even like Christmas and I enjoy all the joy of life. At my house it's quiet and nice, it's not this endless chaos that you feel in the parents' house.” he adds.

Another Romanian complains that the parents he visits during the holidays are horrified by the money spent on gifts, which they say they didn't need.

“I gave up wasting time choosing gifts. I don't see any joy in them when I give them. I go and stay for four hours while they tell me about some neighbors, and when I leave I fill up with useless things, which I take only to avoid further dramas and arguments.” he states.

Many Romanians feel the break from their parents

A Romanian says that every year he feels more and more alienated from his parents, even though he lives in the same city as them. During the holidays, feelings are heightened.

“I go to my family thinking that I will find what I left before I left, but everything is strange and different. All I want is to get home, to be with my girlfriend, quietly and without contradictions. I was quite traumatized as a child by both of them; family life was more of an obligation than a desire for them, to me. That's why I now try to call them once a month, so that they don't notice that I don't really want to see each other often.” says someone else.

A young man says he came home for a few days for the holidays, but feels like a bird in a cage.

“I don't have any acquaintances outside the family in my hometown; I don't have anyone else here. And with my family, I'm aware of everything, we talk relatively often on the phone.” he states.

Some Romanians claim that they will stay in the West, even though they miss their family.

“Before Christmas, we were nostalgic for being alone here, far from Romania, but we realized that we were nostalgic for an idyllic version of Christmas, not for the reality we would have lived”, reports a Romanian.

During the holidays, no one in her family is in the mood for anything, observes another Romanian woman.

“Most of the time, we each stay in our room. And every time I wonder why I stay for I don't know how many days, if anyway I stay alone, in my room, like in the old days. But I miss them and I feel the need to see them”, she adds.

“I get depressed from the moment I see the sign at the entrance to the city, because I remember the hundred reasons why I ran away eating the ground from there. I'm not complaining about my people – they're really ok: my mother almost puts food in my mouth and my son, my father is funny, we talk a lot at the table and over a drink. But… I can't find my place anymore. It's not my home anymore, I don't have the needs of my childhood. I can't sleep, I have no peace, zero privacy. Everything is done according to their schedule”, complains another young woman.

A specialist's advice for a successful Christmas with the family

Homecoming for the holidays affects people in different ways, and conflicting feelings can make coming home difficult, experts say.

To make coming home for the holidays a positive experience, it's helpful to anticipate the emotions that may arise and set clear boundaries, says psychotherapist Pamela S. Willse, in an article published by Psychology Today.

The specialist proposes five ways in which people can make returning home for the holidays a more pleasant experience. One of them is anticipating the emotions that might arise.