It was a particularly stressful morning. I was sitting at my desk in my home office, participating in a meeting with my team where we were finalizing details for an upcoming trade show. I got up to grab a bottle of water, but I didn't even get three meters before I started hyperventilating. I had to lie down on the floor.
She called 911. I texted my COO: “I'm not coming back to the meeting. Something's wrong.” I also wrote to my PR specialist.
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At the hospital they found that I was having a particularly serious type of heart attack. I had five emboli, so they had to do coronary artery bypass surgery immediately. They took me straight to the operating room, and nine hours later I was in intensive care.
Before I got to the operating table, I was able to talk to my girlfriend and a few people who came to visit me. This was the moment when I broke down emotionally for the first time.
Before, I was just thinking about work all the time – I even tried to instruct my PR person to be ready to make a statement. It was a bit unreasonable, but maybe there was a bit of excessive self-importance involved.
I run a membership organization, so there were going to be hundreds of people at the trade show we were preparing – and my absence would be very noticeable. And yet I'm not really that important. It turned out that the fair would take place without me, but in a moment of such crisis, everything suddenly seems extremely important.
My recovery
I treat my time off from work as two stages. The first three months were mainly about physical recovery, followed by mental and emotional recovery. I'm lucky that I've been given time to really heal.
By the end of those first three months, I realized there were questions I needed to ask myself. For example: why did I manage to survive this “crash with death?”
I found a therapist who specialized in near-death experiences and health crises. I've done therapy before – I'm a big believer in regular “mental check-ups,” which I approach like changing the oil in a car.
She helped me ask difficult questions and showed me how to live in such a way that I have time for parenting, work, rest and play. I was made aware in the worst possible way that we only have one life.
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Back to work
Between my departure and my return, we changed offices. I no longer had an access card to the building and I didn't even know where the toilet was. I felt like a new employee.
I was afraid. I didn't know if I would be able to work at the same speed as before. I didn't know if I would be a ballast for the team that had learned to function without me.
I thought: As CEO, I have the largest position in the payroll budget. Will people think I'm not worth it?
For several weeks I had real but controlled fear. Until it finally dawned on me that I had created this band myself – and that was why they were able to cope without me.
The systems we put in place and the people who managed them were able to not only respond in that immediate situation where it was unclear whether I would survive, but also operate effectively over the next six months.
I had to honor what they had done and accept that they were capable of working without me. At the same time, I also had to accept that I still had something to offer. Combining these two thoughts is difficult, but extremely important.
My first board meeting back was strange. Typically, I, as CEO, present financial results and discuss strategy. But what was I going to talk about now? I was gone for half a year. Our COO, who was acting CEO, was sitting next to me.
The board had also experienced their own kind of trauma, just like she had. We were in touch, so I knew what was going on in the company and could help with some decisions. But I told her: I'm helping you as a friend – and I don't want to have any surprises when I come back. Whatever decisions you make, I will support you.
When I came back and talked to our members, I heard: Wow, your team did great in your absence. And then I thought: I had created a team that could survive such a huge shock.
It was incredibly satisfying. I've always been the type of leader who likes to stay back, but now I'm even more into it. The repeated praise for my team reinforced my belief that I was more of a coach than a performer. Every well-functioning team needs such a leader.
The above text is a translation from American edition of Business Insider
