This feature article is based on an interview with Ashley Agnew, senior wealth advisor and director of financial well-being at Centerpoint Advisors and former president of the Financial Therapy Association. It has been edited for length and clarity.
As a wealth advisor I noticed that my clients often react to meetings with me in two ways. They leave with relief and even say, “It was like therapy.” Or they leave upset that they said too much.
Money is really hard to talk about. Likewise about death. It's no wonder that inheritance planning is stressful for many families. That's why, in addition to being a wealth advisor, I decided to become a certified financial therapist. Over time, I began to accompany people in the final stage of life in this regard. It seemed like a natural complement to the work I was already doing.
It is impossible to exclude emotions from conversations about money. Instead, I use a dignified, person-centered approach when discussing the transfer of wealth with my clients. Here's what it looks like.
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Be aware that you are leaving behind more than just money
Family leaders convey more than a balance of wealth: they share tribal knowledge that has been passed down through the generations. That's why we so often hear that the family “fell apart” after the death of the male or female head of the family.
It is worth facing it directly and thinking about your legacy in a holistic way. Consider creating a life story project or ethical will.
These are forms that allow you to preserve the stories, blessings and dreams you want to share with future generations.
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Give your money a purpose
What do you personally want to achieve with your money? It may be a problem you want to solve in your family or an impact you want to have on your loved ones.
Once you define the purpose of your money, you can share it with your family and refer back to it over and over again. This goal becomes the guiding principle of your estate planning.
Start conversations early
I once worked with a family where the parents revealed to their son – now in his 60s – that he had a trust fund.
They expected him to be delighted, and he replied, “I would never miss that many games for my kids.”
This became a source of conflict because he did not have all the information to make decisions consistent with his values.
Therefore, it is important to start conversations about the transfer of property early. This can be difficult, especially if your family doesn't talk openly about money.
Be gentle with yourself. Broach the topic informally, emphasizing your concern and connection. If a family member isn't ready at that moment, come back to the topic later.
Become aware of your need for control
I often see people trying to control their money (and family members) from beyond the grave.
It's valuable to look at this need for control – it often comes from fear. Sometimes controlling becomes an older person's way of trying to stay important and maintain connections with loved ones.
I worked with a grandmother who insisted on personally approving every withdrawal from the family trust fund.
As we dug into the reasons, she realized that these were the only times she talked to her grandchildren on the phone. This was embarrassing for everyone, so they solved the problem by building relationships that weren't related to money.
Take action
Conversations about financial planning are important, but so is action. If you don't have an estate plan, create one.
You can always change it in the future. After the planning conversation, give yourself a deadline of 30-45 days to take the next step. It's too easy to lose heart when making difficult decisions.
Always come back to the relationship
If inheritance is a “taboo subject” – name it. Then focus on rebuilding true bonds with your family.
Just saying that you want to nurture relationships regardless of money is often enough to make people relax, take a breath, and say, “This is what I want.”
The above text is a translation from American edition of Business Insider
