Dysfunctional families don't look like the movies. It does not mean only violence, scandals, constant quarrels. Sometimes they are seemingly normal families, with parents who love their children, but who do not know how to manage conflict, emotional closeness or their own frustrations.
Many adults realize that they grew up in a dysfunctional family only after they become parents. In their childhood everything seemed “normal”. And, let's be honest, many of us grew up following the same unwritten rules: “don't talk back!”, “stop crying!”, “don't make a fuss!”.
But, once we become parents, children put the “mirror of honesty” in front of us. We catch ourselves raising our voice – just like our parents – or we are frightened by how much crying and small conflicts destabilize us. We wake up to reality when our children confess “I'm scared when you scream”.
Lindsay C. Gibson, author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (Adult children of emotionally immature parents)says in an interview with Business Insider that appearances of normalcy can be deceiving: “You can have nice clothes, you may not be missing anything on the table, but inside it's very possible to live with a feeling of emotional loneliness and the feeling that something is not right at all, and this affects your sense of belonging”.
More and more psychologists are talking about these “invisible wounds” of childhood. Those who grew up in families dominated by tension, control or perfectionism become anxious, hyper-responsible adults or unable to set boundaries without guilt.
What does a dysfunctional family actually mean?
When we hear the expression “dysfunctional family” we think of extreme cases: violence, alcoholism, abuse or permanent scandals. Psychologists say, however, that things are much more nuanced. A family may appear stable from the outside (parents are present, children go to school, there are holidays, rules, activities) and yet, within the family, relationships may be built on tension, control, fear or lack of emotional connection.
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