Holidays are one of the most stressful events. Why this happens and what we can do to neutralize negative emotions, explained Dr. Marta Kucharska-Hauk, assistant professor at the Institute of Psychology, University of Łódź, in an interview with PAP.
PAP: Christmas with family is a great time, at least in theory. Why do many of us think about them with reluctance or even fear?
Dr. Marta Kucharska-Hauk: There are several different aspects that make the holidays one of the more stressful events. This is certainly due to the multitude of responsibilities and the associated overload that, in our culture, is associated with organizing holidays. Because preparing them in an ideal way is very important in our tradition.
The holidays are also stressful due to the prospect of meeting family – our social environment is the most stressful. There are conversations that can be emotional. During this period, we often meet people we don't see all year round. As it happens in relationships, there are topics that may be difficult, so we are afraid of what the celebration will be like.
PAP: What topics are better not to discuss during the holidays?
MK-H.: All those that exceed someone's boundaries. This is, of course, a very individual issue, but there is a certain universal pool of topics that I would advise you to avoid. The point is to treat the person we are talking to with great sensitivity. It is better to avoid questions related to relationships or debating when a partner appears in the life of our interlocutor.
Questions about procreation are a separate topic. Our society very clearly usurps the right to ask: when to have the first child, when to get married, when to have the next child. We do not ask whether, for example, someone is already going through menopause, because it is taboo, but it is exactly the same sphere of functioning. We don't really know what this person is struggling with; what are his views, possibilities, health condition.
Topics related to what someone eats are undesirable. Let's not look into people's plates, wallets or beds. Everyone has the right to make these choices in accordance with themselves. And also commenting on appearance one way or the other. If you are going to comment on someone's appearance, do it positively, but it's really better to approach it with great sensitivity.
PAP: What should we talk about if we want to ensure a good atmosphere?
MK-H.: I think it's much better to ask open questions – how are you? or maybe you are planning something special this year; how do you feel – in general; I know that you are studying, how are your studies – and not necessarily what grades you get or whether you passed the exam; what you are planning; what are your dreams? These are topics where we signal that we will really listen to the other person with curiosity.
I know that a lot of our questions aren't because we want to hurt someone. But it's always worth considering what the other person might be feeling. You can, in the most open way, ask her what she wants to talk about. In general, asking questions is something that builds a relationship very strongly.
PAP: There is one more topic that can instantly heat up the atmosphere – politics.
MK-H.: Yes, this is a very important topic that divides us the most at the table. Politics and values. I am far from not discussing these topics, but perhaps it would be good to establish some principles and rules.
We can't control how someone will react, but we can control how we will react. These are usually very emotional conversations and it is worth looking for ways to regulate yourself, because we easily get triggered by them. And when we are flooded with emotions, it cuts off our prefrontal cortex – we then have no access to logical thinking, so when we use very logical arguments, we do not hear them at all in our emotions.
The mistake we most often make in these conversations is to try to convince someone else to think like we do. When there is a difference of opinion, it is worth saying – you know what, I hear that you think one way and I think completely different. Or put it this way: I see that this is making you very emotional, I also feel very strong emotions, it's difficult for me in this conversation, maybe let's talk about something else.
When anticipating a confrontation with someone with completely different views, it is worth talking to people whose views are closer to us, e.g. a partner, parent, brother, sister. We explain that in a conflict situation we need a signal that will restore contact with the prefrontal cortex. You can make an agreement, for example, that someone will hold your hand or say something when emotions start to boil over.
PAP: Can we somehow prepare for a Christmas meeting that we know in advance will not be pleasant for us? We don't really want to participate in it, but we force ourselves because it's the holidays.
MK-H.: First of all, I think we don't have to do anything. It's important to give yourself the right and consent to the fact that I really don't have to do anything. I know that sometimes we force ourselves to do something because our surroundings tell us so. Our beliefs also make us feel internally compelled, for example, to participate in family celebrations.
The key in such preparations is to consider what I need this holiday season. Where does my limit begin? To what point can I bend, and when I say definitely – stop. This is important because we often cannot draw the line because we do not know where it is.
It is good to work with beliefs and emotions in advance, because when we have little time before Christmas, we will not learn how to give ourselves permission to feel emotions, name them, talk about our beliefs, but without convincing or attacking others.
We can also use an exaggeration exercise. Let's say what's the worst that can happen to us during a Christmas gathering. We will tame our fear and it will turn out that the elephant that needs to be eaten is not that big after all.
Interview by Agnieszka Grzelak-Michałowska (PAP)
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