How do parents unknowingly end up with a “favorite child”? Advice from a psychologist to restore emotional balance

Parental favoritism occurs more often than parents think, psychologists say. Most of the time, it's not intentional, it's about unconscious dynamics that influence tone, gestures, reactions and how a child becomes the “mirror” of the parent. How does favoritism set in, how do children feel it and what can the family do to restore emotional balance?

Parents rarely say they have a favorite child. However, differences in attitude, emotional availability or reactions to children's behavior can build, over time, the feeling of favoritism. Psychologist Ruxandra Sersa says that the phenomenon is more common than we want to admit” and that “most of the time, it's not about intention, but about unconscious dynamics”. At the heart of these dynamics, she says, is the parents' idealized image of the desired child: when one of the children more closely fits this projection, he subtly becomes the child who activates the parent's narcissistic side – “look how well I've done, what a great child I have”.

At the same time, the child who does not respond to this fantasy risks becoming, without fault, the “uncomfortable mirror”, the one that reminds the parent of his own vulnerabilities, defects or painful experiences. This is where the differences start: a warmer tone towards one child, quick irritation towards another, a spontaneous smile only for one, a mild reaction to mistakes only on one side.

How parents unknowingly end up with a 'favorite child'

According to the psychologist, the first sign of favoritism is different emotional availability. “How much can the parent bear each child's emotions?” – this is the starting question. When one child is tolerated more easily, and with the other, irritation, reproaches or rejection quickly appear, the dynamic is already unbalanced.

The psychologist gives a very concrete example: if a child breaks a cup, the parent can joke – “Let it go, the shards bring luck.” If the other breaks it, the reaction can become sharp: “I was sure you would do that!”. The difference in reaction is not random, but shows emotional preference.

The second indicator is body language: “the smile, the affective tone, the spontaneous gestures”. A parent may not be aware that they are talking more warmly to a child or petting them more often, but the body “betrays the preference before the mind recognizes it.”

Another important aspect is pride and exposure. The favorite child often becomes the image bearer of the family: “the one with whom pictures are posted more often, the one who is praised in public.” There is also a subtle form of “apparent fairness”: the parent may offer gifts or money equally to assuage guilt, but “the material balance does not make up for the emotional difference.”

The psychologist clearly formulates the essential difference: “The difference between being treated the same and being loved the same is one that only children can measure.” So, favoritism is not seen in objects or rules, but in affective nuances, in what the parent conveys without words.

How favoritism affects children – both favored and disadvantaged

Favoritism is not a phenomenon that affects only one child. The psychologist points out that “many times, the disadvantaged child is not punished for what he does, but for what he represents: a part of the parent that he rejects”. The child becomes the symbol of a vulnerability that the adult had not integrated: the fear of rejection, the feeling of helplessness, the memory of a difficult childhood.

For the child, this difference translates into shame, anxiety, withdrawal, or oppositional behaviors. Many times, the child cannot verbalize what he feels, but he understands the message: “I'm the difficult one”, “I'm the problem”.

The psychologist describes the awareness process necessary for the parent: he must notice what irritates him, why he reacts differently and how he came to be “more critical or distant” towards a child. The next step is the vulnerable verbalization: “I was unfair to you, I'm sorry.”

Not even the favorite child fares better. He becomes, involuntarily, the “image bearer”, the one who is talked about, the one who has to perform. Although he does not appear as a direct victim, he grows up with the feeling that love must be maintained, that the status of “the good one” must be continually confirmed.

Grandparents can aggravate the differences by seemingly joking comparisons: “you only look like your mother”, “you only look like your father”. The psychologist warns that such lines make children compete for affection and make them believe that love has to be earned.

What parents can do to prevent or correct favoritism

The rules of relational hygiene are simple but essential. The first is: no direct comparisons. The psychologist recommends a clear wording, also addressed to the adults in the family: “we avoid comparisons, every child is different and we want everyone to feel seen”.

The second rule is separate complimentnever comparatively. Instead of “he's tidier than his sister”, a simple: “I like how you arranged things” is sufficient and healthy.

The third, very important rule is without labelsnot even the positive ones. “Labels like the smart one, the sensitive one, or the family athlete may seem like compliments, but over time they become rigid roles,” explains the psychologist. The child feels that he must remain “the smart one” in order to be loved, and any mistake becomes a source of shame.

A special situation is when there is a child in the family with special needs – ADHD, ASD, a chronic illness. In such cases, it is natural for the parent to pay more attention to it. The difference only becomes problematic if it is not explained. The psychologist offers the healthy formula: “It may seem like your brother is getting more attention now, but I want you to know that my love for you is the same. I'm here whenever you need me.”

The psychologist likes to mention that a “healthy child does not suffer from a lack of attention, but from a lack of transparency”. When he understands the context and feels that he has a clear place in the family, differences in attention are no longer experienced as favoritism, but as a response to distinct needs.