Sometimes early independence is a symptom of absence. The child who adapts alone is not necessarily strong, but formed in the absence of emotional protection and a stable presence. “For me, the biggest trauma was all the things that didn't happen“. So begins a comment on Reddit, r/DID, in a discussion about neglect and emotional absence. People from all over the world describe the same wound, not of violence, but of lack.
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“For years I thought it was normal: to fend for yourself, not to ask for anything”
“I always knew I was neglected, but I never understood what that really meant. I didn't realize that I needed to be protected, or that I was someone's responsibility. I went through a lot: abuse, humiliation, instability. But nothing affected me as much as the lack of structure, comfort, protection, belonging. It's so 'simple' and so devastating.” someone wrote.
Another user commented that: “My psychiatrist told me something that completely changed my perspective: trauma isn't just what happened then, it's how it affects you now. I had no protection or guidance as a child, and the consequence is visible today. As an adult, I still need the comfort and guidance that was missing then. It's like I'm stuck at the same age.”
Someone else wrote: “I went through hell as a child. But what destroyed me was not the pain, but the loneliness. It would have been different if someone held me. If I had even a memory of being loved.”
“When I found out, at the age of 32, that a child should not be in charge of his own schedule, I felt pure rage. For years I thought this was normal: fend for yourself, don't ask for anything. It was the first time I realized how wrong it had all been.” another user added.
Another completes: “My mind created protectors because I didn't have any real ones. I don't blame my mother, it was in her survival mode. But the fact that no one was there when hard things were happening to me… (…). People think a child forgets. It doesn't. The body remembers everything.”
“Therapists tell me to 'take care of myself'. But that's what I've done all my life. I've been my own adult. I don't need independence, but that temporary help that shows you that you can be safe with someone.” someone else wrote.
“The child who manages alone is, in fact, a child alone”
More and more adults who come to therapy today discover that their suffering does not come from dramatic events, but from absences or silences: the absence of love, of protection, of a voice that tells you “you're safe.” Psychology calls this phenomenon trauma by omission or neglect: the deep wound born not of what happened, but of what never happened. The neglected child does not know that he is neglected; he thinks it's his fault that he doesn't get attention, and becomes the self-sufficient adult who doesn't ask for help and lives with a sense of emptiness.
“Trauma by omission is a form of complex relational trauma, arising when fundamental emotional needs: love, safety, protection, rules and benchmarks, affective regulation, are not met. Early emotional neglect has cumulative effects on psychological development, comparable to active abuse. Absence of empathic response leaves no visible traces, but silently shapes the brain and self-image”. psychotherapist and clinical psychologist Mirela Maftei explains for Adevărul.
According to him, the trauma of omission/neglect hides in normality. Many adults say, “I had a good childhood, working parents, I didn't miss anything.”
“But what was missing was precisely the presence, the emotional containment. According to the neurobiological theory (Briere & Scott, 2015), the absence of empathy activates the amygdala, blocks the hippocampus and reduces the connectivity of the prefrontal cortex, maintaining a state of chronic alertness and difficulties in emotional regulation”declares Mirela Maftei.
In his view, the adult who grew up without emotional validation lives with an inner void. “He fears vulnerability, avoids intimacy, needs approval in almost everything he does on a daily basis. Perfectionism, the need for control and the feeling of inner emptiness are echoes of the child who has not been seen. These manifestations often correspond to an avoidant or ambivalent attachment, according to attachment terror (Ainsworth et al., 1978; Bowlby, 1982).
The psychotherapist says that trauma by omission is reactivated in close relationships. Specifically, the person is afraid to get emotionally involved, because closeness activates the fear of rejection. “At the same time, affective distance confirms the old script: “I'm not good enough”. It is a relational paradox specific to complex trauma – the desire to connect coexists with the fear of connecting. Trauma-focused therapy does not rewrite the past, but provides corrective experiences. According to Brand et al. (2022, Finding Solid Ground), the therapeutic relationship becomes the space where the person lives, perhaps for the first time, the safety of a predictable and empathic relationship”, she says.
According to the specialist's statements, neural plasticity allows emotional connections to be restored even after years of absence. “Therapeutic experiences based on predictability, regulation, and emotional contact can rewrite patterns of stress. Emotional safety is relearned through relationships where vulnerability is met with empathy, not rejection.” add this.
The culture of the 'self-made child'
In Romanian culture, the silent and independent child was often idealized, says Mirela Maftei. But the “child who doesn't ask for anything” is, in fact, the child who has learned that his needs don't matter, she adds. “This mentality transgenerationally perpetuates trauma through absence. Talking about absence does not mean accusing the parents, but understanding the context in which they also grew up without emotional validation. The child needs, above all, to be felt, seen, heard, emotionally content. “I see you. You are important to me. You're safe'. Trauma prevention isn't about parenting perfection, it's about relationship and presence. To hear him, to validate him, to be there when he cries. Every moment of empathy repairs an old absence and builds resilience.” explains the psychotherapist.
Where love has been lacking, presence can be built. And where there was no safety, it can be learned: step by step, relationship by relationship. “Healing begins when we admit: Something essential was missing and I'm rightI wanted to feel the pain of that lack. It's not what happened that marks us the most, but what didn't happen when we needed it the most”concludes Mirela Maftei.
