What hurts more in a relationship: when your partner receives attention from someone else or when they give it? A study shows that jealousy occurs in the second case. The problem is not what he gets, but when he starts giving someone else his time, money or attention. If this is the real alarm signal, would you recognize it in time?
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A study published in “Evolution and Human Behavior” shows how men and women react to jealousy and where the rift actually occurs. The bottom line? It is not the moment when the partner receives attention or help from the outside that produces the strongest reaction, but the moment when he chooses to give time, money or energy outside the relationship.
To test this difference, 79 couples were brought into the lab and seated at computers, separated by a screen. Here they received a sum of money that they had to share. The game was rigged so that each participant believed they were interacting online with both their life partner and an unknown person of the opposite sex.
The experiment put the participants in two completely different situations: in one, they watched on the screen as their partner chooses to give 75% of the money to that unknown person. In the other, they watched their partner accept a large sum of money from that person. The result? Jealousy was not activated when the partner received money, although he accepted the favor. Instead, it peaked—in both women and men—just when they saw their partner willingly give up the most resources. The act of making a financial sacrifice for someone else was immediately interpreted as a first step towards abandonment.
The research started from classical theories, which claim that men are more sensitive to sexual infidelity, and women to the loss of resources and emotional involvement. The differences were explained by historical pressures: for men, the risk was raising someone else's child, for women, the loss of support and resources.
This time, the researchers wanted to test these ideas in a setting closer to the actual behavior of people today.
“We found that the situation in which the partner allocates more resources to a stranger produces jealousy, regardless of gender. The goal was to test whether romantic jealousy can be induced in couples through economic games, to go beyond the results obtained through classical, hypothetical scenarios.” Ana María Fernández, professor at the University of Santiago de Chile and author of the study, told PsyPost.
The invisible betrayal
“There are reactions in relationships that cannot be explained by reason or logic. They happen quickly, they feel in the body, and they leave behind an unease that is not directly related to what is happening outside. One such moment is when you see your partner giving something outside of the relationship, whether it is money, time, or a seemingly trivial gesture. For many people, this hurts more than when the partner receives. The difference is not the value of the gesture, but the the meaning assigned to it. Giving implies choice, involvement, direction, and tells, in emotional language, where the other's energy goes.” explain for “The Truth”Gabriela Marc, senior clinical psychologist and associate university lecturer at the Faculty of Psychology and Educational Sciences. At the attachment level, resources are not just material, she says. Time, attention, emotional availability are what create the feeling of safety in a relationship and strengthen the connection.
“The moment these resources seem to be directed elsewhere, the nervous system reacts as if there is a danger and the fear of abandonment arises. That is why the waste of invisible resources can be felt more intensely than any concrete gesture. Because it is not about objects, about material, but about connection.” is the specialist's opinion.
The love trap as an emotional transaction
In his opinion, this reaction is not only about the present, but strongly influenced by the way each one learned love. “The style of love is formed early, in relationships where we have discovered whether we are seen, whether we are enough, whether love remains or withdraws.” claims Gabriela Marc. When love has been conditioned or unstable, adult relationships can become spaces where self-worth is at stake. In such contexts, the partner is no longer just a partner, it also becomes the place where we look for validation, security, containment, she emphasizes.
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“Here also appears the tendency to experience the relationship as a form of emotional transaction. Not necessarily conscious, but deeply felt. We offer, adapt, invest, with the hope that we will remain chosen for who we are, not for what we bring. In this framework, the partner's gestures acquire a much greater charge. The difference between altruism and emotional investment becomes difficult to notice from within the emotion. Objectively, a partner who helps a colleague or friend does not represent automatically a threat. The difference occurs when energy, time and commitment begin to be constantly directed outside the relationship, while the connection within weakens, when we no longer find ourselves in the relationship.” thinks Gabriela Marc.
According to the explanations provided by Gabriela Marc, we intuit this imbalance long before the mind looks for logical justifications. Moreover, jealousy is not strictly about the partner's actions, but acts as a mirror of our own self-esteem. This intense reaction is born out of comparison, the fear of missing out, and the belief that we need to be constantly picked on in order to feel safe. When jealousy strikes, how we react dictates the fate of the relationship, because blame, control or isolation only destroy the bond. The solution, says the psychologist, is to translate the fear into a clear need: you would confess to the other that you are scared, the direction in which his energy goes shows vulnerability, while a direct attack only brings disconnection and guilt. In essence, underlines Gabriela Marc, behind jealousy is not the desire to own things, but the deep need for love and belonging to a safe space, where the person does not have to compete for attention or live under the terror of being replaced.
“At the same time, the dynamic is not one-sided. There are situations where one of the partners is looking outside the relationship for something they no longer feel inside. Not necessarily another person, but another version of themselves. A place where they feel alive, wanted, valuable. Flirting, paying attention to someone else, getting involved outside the relationship can work as forms of validation. Not because the relationship doesn't matter, but because sometimes the person no longer finds themselves inside. Here a deep tension arises: one seeks to feel alive, the other seeks to feel safe. Between these two needs, the relationship is built or broken.” scores the specialist.
Perhaps emotional maturity is not the absence of jealousy, but the ability to understand it without turning it into possession, she adds. “It means being able to stay in touch with that fear without letting it define your behavior. Because, in the end, it's not about money, nor about favors. It's about that invisible place in the relationship where each needs to feel chosen, seen and held without fighting for it,” she continues.
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Beyond the fear of losing the other, a relationship doesn't have to mean canceling your own identity or sacrificing inner peace just to maintain a connection that is, in reality, consuming you. The constant effort to prove that you deserve your partner's attention and the vigilance taken to the extreme in front of any gesture inevitably lead to exhaustion, she adds. The reality is that no man can fix the emotional flaws of the past, and no partner can build a security that you haven't learned to feel on your own. “Even if the other chooses to stay and love, there are spaces inside that simply cannot be filled from the outside. And where there is emptiness, the relationship does not cover it. It makes it more visible. It brings it to the surface, it illuminates it, sometimes it hurts more than anything. And maybe in that it is not a tragedy. Maybe it is the first real invitation to turn to yourself and choose you. Love does not come to fill voids, to complete you as you are incomplete, she is coming to meet you”, concludes Gabriela Marc.
