How many times have you said yes when you really meant to say no? For fear of disappointing, losing a relationship, or seeming selfish, many of us end up accepting things that drain our energy. Psychotherapist Dorina Stamate explains why boundaries are essential for emotional balance and how we can learn, step by step, to set them.
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Why are boundaries so important?
“Imagine you're a welcoming home. If you don't have fences or a door you can close, anyone can walk in at any time, leaving mud marks on the carpet or using up all your resources”says psychotherapist Dorina Stamate.
Boundaries work just like these symbolic fences: they protect our inner space, help us conserve mental and emotional energy, and prevent burnout or resentment.
,, Boundaries are, in fact, the ultimate act of self-respect. (…) When we have clear boundaries, we teach others how to love us and how to interact with us in a way that doesn't hurt us.”explains the specialist.
Why is it so hard for us to say “no”
“The most difficult moments are those when the fear of abandonment or the need for validation come to the surface”emphasizes Dorina Stamate. According to her, the hardest thing to say “no” is when:
- we fear that the other will get angry or reject us;
- we feel responsible for someone else's happiness;
- we are in a position of vulnerability or subordination.
In such situations, many people prefer to avoid conflict and choose a “yes” which, in the long run, turns into frustration or emotional exhaustion.
What we do when it comes to family
Setting boundaries becomes even more complicated in family relationships. There, roles and expectations are old and ingrained.
“When you start putting limits on your parents, siblings or partner, you destroy a 'balance' – even if that balance was toxic”explains the psychotherapist.
,, Others may feel attacked or use emotional manipulation. You will feel like >”.
In reality, setting boundaries does not mean lack of love. On the contrary.
“It's essential to understand that putting a boundary in your family doesn't mean you love them less, but that you want your relationship to be a healthy one in the long term,” emphasizes Dorina Stamate.
The five steps to learn to say “NO”
Change doesn't happen overnight. But there are some strategies that psychotherapists recommend that can help us gradually build the ability to say “no”.
- Take your time. ,,You don't have to answer on the spot. When someone asks you for something, use a buffer phrase: > or >. This pause gives you the space you need to feel if you really want to say > or if you're doing it out of obligation,” explains Dorina Stamate.
- See how much a “Yes” costs you. “Before accepting, ask yourself: >. Maybe you're saying no to time with your kids, your rest, or your mental health. Visualizing this exchange will help you prioritize more easily.”
- Use a polite but firm “no”. ,,Not you need long apologies or complicated justifications (that sound like you're defending yourself). A short and warm refusal is enough: >.
- Practice with small situations. ,,Don't start with the hardest conversations (like with parents). Start setting limits in low-stakes situations: refuse a new product at the store, say no to an invitation to a coffee shop you don't want to go to. Build your boundary 'muscle' gradually.”
- Accept that you will feel guilty at first. ,,Guilt doesn't mean you've done something wrong, it means you're trying to change an old behavior. Tell yourself: >. In time, the guilt will be replaced by a deep sense of freedom.”
The important thing to remember is that boundaries do not make us selfish or distant. They help us protect our energy and build relationships based on mutual respect.
Dorina Stamate, psychotherapist
