The three types of “hidden romance” that can exist in a relationship, explained by a psychologist
Romance in a couple doesn't always translate into who knows what spectacular gestures or Hollywood moments. There are types of romance that often go unnoticed in popular culture, ignored in the name of pragmatism. However, precisely these subtle forms can keep the emotional connection alive in a long-term relationship, claims the American psychologist Mark Travers in a material published in Forbes.
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Travers points out that romanticism and pragmatism are often presented as extremes: romanticism symbolizes passion and unpredictability, and pragmatism represents stability and routine. This simplistic view, however, narrows the understanding of love, because lasting relationships are not based on just chemistry or just reason, but on a harmonious combination of both.
“According to cultural stereotypes, romance is love without logic, and pragmatism is what's left when passion dies. In reality, however, love doesn't work in extremes: the most lasting relationships combine passion with responsibility.” notes Travers. Q
Romanticism brings desire and excitement, and pragmatism brings security and stability. When one of them dominates excessively, the relationship is either consumed instantly or withers over time. The key, Travers explains, is not to choose between romanticism and pragmatism, but to integrate them harmoniously.
1. Psychological flexibility: the unseen romance
Many people fall into the trap his “should” and rigid expectations: “If I am pragmatic, I must be less romantic” or vice versa. This dichotomous thinking creates fixed roles in the couple: one is “romantic”, the other “realistic”. The result? The romantic can feel emotionally unseen, and the pragmatic overworked.
Mark Travers advises us to be flexible in relationships, or as he mentions, to develop “the ability to accept seemingly contradictory needs simultaneously.” Basically, you can value long-term safety and at the same time moments of intense passion. Studies show how all couples who maintain this flexibility, even under the pressure of stress, maintain both their relationship satisfaction and self-esteem.
In everyday life, he writes, “flexibility” it can be cultivated by the way couples approach everyday tasks: planning for the future, dividing tasks or managing the budget. Pragmatism thus becomes a form of romanticism, not its opponent.
2. Programmed novelty: planned romance
Romance is often associated with spontaneity, and scheduling romantic moments seems against this idea. But Travers shows that novelty is one of the most powerful stimulators of desire. In long relationships, people gradually lose the element of surprise, and interest in the other decreases if new and challenging experiences are not created.
Studies show that couples who start new activities that involve a degree of risk or come with a certain challenge experience more desire and satisfaction. Even reinterpreting familiar routines or an imperfectly planned date can rekindle passion, as long as both people understand the intent behind the gesture, Travers writes.
3. Emotional security: the romance that sustains desire
Emotional safety does not mean the absence of tension, but the existence of enough trust to be vulnerable in front of your partner. Travers points out that romance “blooms” when both partners can express their desires, frustrations or needs without fear of judgment.
Studies show that in relationships where partners feel protected and supported, couples get through difficult times more easily. Conversely, when one or both partners feel insecure, tensions can lead to distancing or overdependence. In both cases, the lack of emotional flexibility undermines the romance. Instead, honest conversations where feelings aren't labeled as “issues to solve” keep connection and desire alive.
Travers concludes that maturity in a relationship means being able to maintain stability and passion at the same time. Romance is not opposed to responsibility; on the contrary, he transforms care and attention into intimacy. The sincere and involved presence of each partner thus becomes the foundation of a lasting relationship.
