The past year, apparently due to its hopelessness, has led me to the following conclusions:
First of all: we will never go home. Maybe the children will come back when they grow up, but that's their business.
Secondly: the beautiful (or terrible) future of Russia will not be built by us, but by completely different people whose names we do not know yet.
And thirdly: thinking about what scoundrels are in power in Russia and how many crimes they have committed – this is our main activity. Of course, we won't abandon it, but we are already bored to death.
In 1996, I was a very young journalist and not personally involved in the political struggle, but senior colleagues in my presence discussed the unfair methods by which President Boris Yeltsin remained in power – and praised these methods, considering them acceptable since they brought the “right” person to power.
It seemed normal to me at the time.
The article continues below the video
In 1998, I was already a famous journalist and earning a lot of money. A lot. But I didn't pay taxes on that money. I wrote a lot about the difficult situation of disabled people and orphans, but it turns out that I appropriated money that should have gone to the treatment of the former and help to the latter.
I consoled myself with the fact that this was what everyone around me did and that I couldn't dictate to my employers how they should pay me.
“Now I don't have a home, why should I be surprised?”
In 2000, I voted for Putin. What an idiot I was! What made me take this step was the fact that Putin speaks German, which was the main argument for it. I really thought that life would improve if the country was ruled by a man who knew at least one foreign language.
In 2008 I was at war. In the Georgian War on the Georgian side. I saw the horror that people went through. But this did not prevent me from receiving the award five years later from Dmitry Medvedev, who started this war. I shook Medvedev's hand and explained it to myself. Now I don't remember how. I can't remember.
In 2011, in the middle of the “white ribbon” protests, I went on vacation. Because the New Year came and I decided it was worth traveling around Italy instead of fighting for freedom and democracy at home. Well, I don't have a home now, why should I be surprised?
In 2018, I was in the Kremlin. I didn't shake Putin's hand, but my boss at the time received a state award and I sat in the room, dressed in a nice jacket and tie, nodding my head. This was after the annexation of Crimea! Why the hell was I nodding my head?! Was there anything unclear about Putin's regime in 2018?
But I nodded.
“I didn't go out to protest. I left.”
Up until February 24, 2022, I tried as hard as I could to convince myself that life was getting better. The main argument of my self-deception was that in Russia the situation of children's hospitals had significantly improved, wheelchair ramps appeared on the streets of Russian cities, and most orphans were placed in foster families. These undoubted changes for the better were enough for me to consider life successful.
Residents watch a broadcast of Russian President Vladimir Putin's speech in Saint Petersburg, December 31, 2025.Andrei Bok/SOPA Images/Getty Images
On February 25, 2022, I did not go out to protest. I didn't go out any other day either. I got scared. I took the children and left. And in all these years I have not been able to come up with a single action that would help stop the war.
Perhaps there is simply nothing that can be done, but this impossibility it in no way excuses mebecause I was the one who couldn't think of or dared to think of anything that could stop this nightmare.
During these four years, apart from completely predictable texts about what scoundrels are in power in Russia, I only wrote a children's book, a fairy tale. And I'm even proud of it, it's the only unexpected thing I managed to create since the beginning of the war. But it does not help in any way to deal with the war.
I’m Ashley Davis as an editor, I’m committed to upholding the highest standards of integrity and accuracy in every piece we publish. My work is driven by curiosity, a passion for truth, and a belief that journalism plays a crucial role in shaping public discourse. I strive to tell stories that not only inform but also inspire action and conversation.
