You take him to the park and see how he swings alone on the swing, away from the others. Or it comes and tells you, in a low voice, that “no one wants to play with me.” What can a parent do to help your child make friends?
A national poll conducted by CS Mott Children's Hospital of the University of Michigan Health shows that 19% of parents say that their children (6-12 years old) have no friends or do not have enough. Why is it so hard for today's children to bind friends? The results of the poll show that 52%of parents identify barriers such as timidity (21%), lack of interaction time (18%), or groups already formed (17%), an obstacle felt more acute as children grow.
In addition, 63% of respondents say they want to become friends with children from “similar” families, in terms of parental style, religious beliefs or socio -economic status.
These selection criteria can narrow the child's social circle precisely in the stage in which he needs more diversity and exposure to new ideas. Specialists warn that isolation at 6-12 years “can affect self -esteem and school performance, increasing the risk of anxiety and depression,” underlined in the mentioned study. At the same time, 90% of parents say that the little ones would like to make new friends – and three out of four have already tried to help them, organizing play meetings or enrolling them at extracurricular activities.
The statistics, therefore, draw a clear portrait: there is a real need for support, but also the risk that the good intentions will turn into overprotection. How do we find balance?
When and how to intervene without exaggerating
“The friendships and ways in which children connect today are very different from the time when adults were now children,” explains Dr. Becca Wallace, children's psychologist, quoted by the Parents publication. According to the psychologist, technology has expanded social circles beyond the neighborhood and parents are increasingly interacting with colleagues' families. In this context, the first step is for parents to provide structured contexts: sports, art clubs, summer camps. Dr. Brook Choulet, psychiatrist, recommends exactly this strategy, adding: “Common interests can make it easier to bind friends”, but the specialist warns not to transform “help” into “management”: “It is important to help them find friends, but not to choose for them,” she says. You armed with skills – from initiating conversations to conflict resolution – it is worth more than choosing new playmates.
Attention to the personal level of sociability: some feel well surrounded by friends, others prefer loneliness
The “social battery” (aka the personal level of sociability) differs from man to man. Some children (and adults) are loaded being surrounded by many friends, others get tired quickly and need time alone. This is not a defect, but a temperament trait (introvert – extrovert) combined with the level of energy, preferences and sensitivity to stimuli.
The optimal number of friends is personal. A child can be perfectly fulfilled with one, two close friends, while another looking for a wide circle. If the parents are very sociable, they can involuntarily design their own standard on the child (“you should have many friends, like us”). The message of the psychiatrist Brook Choulet is not to compare or to force: what works for the parent is not necessarily the “normal” of the child.
In practice, this means to observe his condition: if he has few friends, but he feels good, we do not need to intervene aggressively. We support social development, but we respect its rhythm and limits – the quality of relationships matters more than quantity.
The Wallace psychologist adds a relational health criterion: accepting the different “social batteries”. “Each has its own” social battery “and their own number of friends suitable for him. The fact that parents are sociable and have a large group of friends does not mean that the child will be the same,” she points out. In other words, the goal is not to fill his agenda of friends, but to help him find that number according to him.
The power of personal model and emotional resilience
“Children learn by observing how we interact with their own friends,” recalls Stacy Thiry, mental health advisor, in the Parents.com. He saw the parent cultivating healthy relationships, providing support and receiving help, is the most handy example for a child. In the face of the inevitable separations, the counselor recommends that we practice with the little ones the resilience: “Encourage children to talk about how they feel when these changes occur and remember that the loss of a friend does not make the children less,” she says. Take the role of emotional “landing”, without minimizing the pain of loss.
The calm message, which validates the feelings (“I understand that you are sad, it is natural to hurt”) acts as a pillow that the child “lands” when losing a friend, reducing the emotional shock. It is also very important for the parent to provide safety, not to deny the pain. We do not say “there is nothing, you find another friend”, which would minimize the living, but we remind him that his personal value remains intact. This is how we protect them self -esteembut we allow them, at the same time, to feel and process sadness.
The validation, together with the assurance that the loss of a friend does not decrease the child gives him the necessary basis to rise and try again to tie relationships, instead of avoiding friendships for fear of a new failure. Therefore, the “pillow” does not eliminate pain; It only makes it bearable and transforms the separation on an occasion of learning and emotional growth.
Encourage diversity, to give your child variants where to choose
Equally important is to encourage children to seek diversity: “The most beautiful friends come from people different from us,” adds Thir. In addition, by exposing to colleagues with different interests, origins or opinions, children develop their cognitive flexibility and empathy.
Last but not least, the fine delimitation between the parent's concern and the real needs of the child is essential. The therapist Rachael Jones draws attention: “If a child does not seem to be disturbed or worried about his social situation, parents must handle their own fears, feelings and anxieties, so that they do not project them on the child.” As with the number of friends of the child: we do not diagnose solitude as a problem if the little one is satisfied with a small circle.
When it's time to ask specialized help
Even the most careful parent can miss the subtle signs that could say that the lack of friends has become harmful. Dr. Brook Choulet draws a few clear landmarks: “If the child shows increased irritability, sadness or concern, they can be signs of mental health problems,” she warns. Withdrawal from favorite activities, self -valuation or frequent speech about uselessness are other signals that should be investigated.
In the same line, Dr. Wallace adds: “Not all children will say when they feel alone or excluded, so it is essential to pay attention to the subtle signs.” This is where the constant avoidance of social situations, somatic complaints before school or overwing the screens to fill the relational void. In such cases, consulting a children's psychologist becomes more than recommended. Early interventions can prevent evolution towards severe anxiety or depression and provide the child with concrete socialization strategies, adapted to him.
Dr. Choulet also attracts parents' attention to one aspect: online safety remains part of the equation: “it is essential to offer a lot of online safety.” Even if online friends can be a bridge, they must be accompanied by clear rules and open discussions about limits and dangers.
Friendship is learned, practiced and sometimes discreetly supports from the “backstage”. The role of the parent is not to solve the equation instead of the child, but to offer them context, example and emotional support. And when the loneliness passes the natural threshold, to assume the courage to ask for help.
