Unfortunately, his married Peter (changed name) delayed divorce for a long time – he waited for his children to grow up. He hoped that if they were older, it would be easier for them to bear it. He doesn't know, however, if this was the case. He has not seen any of his sons for six years.
He talks to the younger who is 20 years old once or twice a year. Elder at the age of 30, he broke off all contacts. The daughter, who is Peter's middle child, sometimes tried to act as an intermediary between her father and brothers, but mentions it as a depressing experience.
– It was completely devastating for me. I keep living, but tears come to my eyes when I think about them – says. He adds that the loss of contact with children is like mourning – but it is associated with painful hope that one day it will be able to reconcile with them.
Although people usually do not talk about it, such situations occur more often than it seems.
The first nationwide study on a large scale, recently conducted by Cornell University, showed that 27 percent Adult Americans experienced a situation that a close relative broke contact with them. Karl Pylimmer, a professor of sociology who managed and based on them wrote the book “Fault Lines”, claims that because people often feel ashamed because of it, they do not admit it. In fact, this number is probably higher. The most frequently broken relationship is the one between the parent and adult child. In most cases, this occurs on the initiative of the child.
Due to the fact that this topic has become the subject of research only in the last decade, there is no clear evidence that would indicate that this trend is spreading. However, many sociologists and psychologists believe that it is so. The risk of splitting in the family is increased by divorce.
Joshua Coleman, a psychologist and author of the book “Rules of Estrangement”, recently conducted a survey among 1600 parents. Over 70 percent of them divorced his child's second parent (he noticed that divorcee children more often break contact with fathers than with mothers). In recent years, the divorce indicator in America has dropped. Dr. Coleman, however, believes that other trends make him We break between parents and children more often than ever before. Many therapists agree with this opinion.
Increase in individualism
The most common cause of this phenomenon is the increase in individualism, which puts emphasis on personal happiness. People are increasingly willing to break relationships with relatives who somehow disturb their well -being or do not accept their beliefs. Personal fulfillment is increasingly playing a more important role than duties towards parents – says Dr. Coleman.
Of course, families have always been arguing and falling apart, it is nothing revealing. However, there is a new trend of more and more frequent breaking of relationships with parents. In some respects, this is a positive change – it is easier for people to cut themselves off from parents who used violence against them. However, this may also be associated with serious costs – and it is not about the material aspect.
America, more individualistic than most rich countries, has a higher divorce rate. This suggests that contacts between parents and children are more likely.
Continuation of the material under the video
– I have the impression that in many European countries it is not perceived as a big problem – says Dr. Pill.
Geography is not without significance in this case. Although people migrate less often than before, the US remain one of the most geographical mobile countries in the world. Huge distances often facilitate breaking contacts with the family. Peter thinks that if he and his younger son still lived in the same city, they would have been reconciled a long time ago. This, in turn, could soften his older son.
Those who decide to break contact with parents can find support in the growing number of books (often with the word “toxic” in the title) and on the Internet. On Internet forums, it is easy to find threads in which users call people they have never met, toxic and advise others to break contact with them. This can help get rid of guilt.
Unintentional therapy effect
Dr. Coleman believes that therapy also plays a role in this. Psychotherapists often help to understand how Family dysfunctions negatively affect adult life. This is often the case, but not always. – As therapists, we have to approach what our patients say with due diligence. Just as I would not accept a good coin that the parent presents his parenthood as flawless, I would not uncritically take the claims of an adult child who claims that his parent is toxic – he says. Together with the British researcher, he works on a program that will help therapists and other people to develop techniques of working with people who have broken contact with close relatives.
Increasing awareness on this subject can be important not only because some broken ties can be repaired. Research suggests that the custom of cutting off relatives may deepen loneliness in old age.
Dr. Pilllemer, who is also a professor of gerontology in Weill Cornell Medicine, says that the idea for research was initiated by a survey conducted among the elderly. – I discovered that dozens of them were “abandoned” by their children. – says. They often didn't want to admit it. People who work with the elderly should keep in mind the fact that not all of them can count on children's support.
“Mrs. Smith can say that she has two daughters.” It is quite likely that he will not add that they do not visit her – he says.
I’m Ashley Davis as an editor, I’m committed to upholding the highest standards of integrity and accuracy in every piece we publish. My work is driven by curiosity, a passion for truth, and a belief that journalism plays a crucial role in shaping public discourse. I strive to tell stories that not only inform but also inspire action and conversation.
