The following article was based on conversations with Tori Dunlap, a 30-year-old financial educator from Seattle, and her partner. They both asked to maintain his anonymity.
Dunlap is the founder of Her First 100K, dealing with financial education of women from the generation of and millennials. She is also a multimilioner, author of the New York Times bestseller and runs her own podcast.
Her partner has a master's degree in sports studies and works several full -time jobs related to education and physical activity. In addition, he earns up, taking care of dogs and private training. In 2024 he earned about 60,000 hole. (approx. PLN 240,000).
The couple have been together for over 2.5 years. In an interview with Business Insider, they told how they manage finances in a relationship. The following text has been shortened and edited to maintain clarity.
Dunlap: We talked about money on the first date. My partner knew that feminism is an important element of my professional life and the value system.
When the bill came, I noticed that he had some internal conflict. He said: “I would really like to pay, but I don't want to offend you. Can I pay”?
Partner: I wasn't sure what the expectations of who should pay or whether the bill should be divided in half. In this way I wanted to let me know that I would like to pay for us. Dinner cost about $ 100. (approx. PLN 400). It wasn't much for Tori, but for me it was a considerable expense at that time.
Dunlap: “It was very cute. For me it was a positive signal that turned out to be a preview of successful conversations about finance and a good relationship. Such conversations can be difficult, but they prevent a sense of injury and misunderstandings in a relationship. That's why I think they are absolutely necessary.”
We know each other's finances almost entirely. I know how much he has on his retirement account, he knows how much I have on my investment account. We know our salaries from the beginning.
Because I know how much he earns, I do not intend to put him in a situation where he would have to spend more than he is ready, only to impress me.
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My success does not intimidate him
Partner: When we met, there was a huge difference between us when it comes to finances and a career. I could choose two options: I feel threatened with her success or accept the fact that it is her life and her achievements.
Looking at someone like Tori, who was very successful, you can easily wonder how she perceives me. I remember thinking that we were functioning in completely different worlds.
Dunlap: After about three months of the relationship, I invited him to lunch to a restaurant with Teriyaki. He was very honest and said: “I know that I should not feel like that, but sometimes I have the impression that I do not do enough as a man. I want our relationship to be equal, but I am afraid that this is not the case for you.”
Partner: However, she was extremely understanding and supporting. Already at an early stage of our relationship I realized that I could come to her with every problem and always hear me.
Dunlap: I thought it was very bold that he was so honest. I realized how patriarchy and traditional sexual roles affect our thinking. There is a belief that a man should be a family host, earn more, invite a woman on dates and pay for everything.
I do not share this view, especially since I earn more.
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We share expenses as possible, not in half
Dunlap: I told him that in financial matters I do not mean equality, but about justice. I do not require him to divide bills equally, because it would not be fair.
Partner: In my previous relationships, we usually shared costs equally – one person paid for drinks, the other for a meal. In the case of me and Tori, it doesn't make sense. We usually share expenses in a 30-70 ratio, which seems fair.
Dunlap: I also have a more expensive lifestyle than he does. If I want to go to an expensive restaurant that crosses his budget, I pay for it because it's my choice. It would be unfair to expect that he would pay for his meal, since I made the decision.
As for the apartment, I rent a three -room house with two bathrooms for $ 3,250. per month (approx. PLN 13,000). I have lived alone since 2018 and, to be honest, I love it.
Partner: I live with three friends and pay $ 975 per month (approx. PLN 3,800). Because we do not live together from Tori, we do not have to share these costs, but we have already talked about what it would look like if we decided to make a shared apartment.
Dunlap: If, however, we decided on a shared apartment and the rent would be $ 3,000. (approx. PLN 12,000), I wouldn't ask him to pay $ 1,500. (approx. PLN 6,000), because this would not reflect our earnings.
We have also established the rules in advance. We spent the last two years in Europe, and before leaving we talked who covers what costs. I paid a flight there and most nights, largely using loyalty points, and he covered shorter flights between the places we visited.
It is not about how much you earn, what matters is what you do with it
Dunlap: One of my favorite things in the world is that I earn more than almost every man I talk to. I don't need a man who will spend my money on me to remind me that I am worth it, but I need him to be with me when my parents get sick and I will be in poor condition, and I will be with him.
My partner shows me that he loves me in a million different ways, some of which relate to money, but most do not.
One of the things I love in it is that although he doesn't earn a lot, he maximizes his retirement savings every year. I was really surprised that he managed to do it.
It's not about how much you earn, it's about what you do with it.
Partner: My parents did not earn too much when I grew up and talked to me and my sister about money from an early age.
When I was in elementary school, if we performed all duties for a week, we got $ 6. (approx. PLN 24) for spending, $ 3 (approx. PLN 12) for saving and $ 1 (approx. PLN 4) to share. I've always been an economical man. Even at a young age, I usually took money for “expenses” and put it off on savings.
When I was at high school and in college, my parents helped me put some money to move out, and always told me to put money on the retirement account. I also watched many videos on YouTube from finance channels to better understand this topic.
Dunlap: It's all a matter of habits and behaviors. I think that especially in a relationship money is not everything, but the way someone uses money is a good sign, as a responsible person is.
Overcoming the mentality of deficiency
Partner: I had a shortage of shortage for several years. In 2022 I worked on four different full -time jobs, trained in several organizations and did not earn very well. I saved a lot, counting every penny. I was very aware of how much I earn and where I keep the money.
Dunlap: It was very difficult for him to believe that he deserved to spend his own money, or that food in a slightly more expensive place is not a waste of money, or that he can invest in his hobby, even if he does not earn on him.
Partner: I think that the most important thing I have learned from Tori is that you can spend money on yourself and spoil yourself from time to time.
Dunlap: I celebrated my last birthday in Europe, and each time we visited restaurants with Michelin star, which he paid as a birthday present.
Intercourse and thinking about the future
Dunlap: I think that in the third month of our relationship I raised the topic of “intercourse”.
Partner: I was surprised and a little shocked. None of my friends or their partners is in a situation like us, so we never talked about it. My parents and loved ones had no intercourse.
Dunlap: I think that the word “intercyza” itself has a large emotional charge for many people. But every person who married, has an intercourse – this is simply usually established by the state. At least we can decide whether this intercision that the government imposes to us is what we want.
I always say that passing through the process of creating intercourse makes you never have to use it because you are very transparent when it comes to money and what each of you values.
Partner: The more we talked and the longer I thought about it, the less it moved. I understand perfectly that she worked hard to get to the place where she was and wants to protect herself.
Dunlap: I strongly believe that every person in a relationship should have some their own money, and the joint account is in second place, so we would never completely combine our finances.
Ultimately, who you choose as a partner is a financial decision that will affect your life for the rest of its duration.
I would not do business with someone, not understanding how he manages his money or what he has. The same applies to partners, but here love is at stake, so people think it's not a business decision. And it really is.
The article is a translation from the American edition of Business Insider.
