We do not know the whole history of Astronomer CEO and its head of the HR department, captured by the camera at the Coldplay concert. Despite this, this situation ignited the debate about relationships in the workplace. Are they acceptable? How to deal with them?
Falling in love with a colleague is nothing unusual. Barack and Michelle Obama met as a collaborators in the Chicago law firm. The host of “Good Morning America”, ie Holmes and Amy Roby, left their spouses for each other. And the fans of the series probably know the beloved Jim and Pam from “The Office”.
As an experienced therapist says in an interview with Business Insider, romances at work are everyday life.
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A study from 2017 conducted by Stanford showed that 1 in 10 couples in the US met at work. In turn, in the recent survey of the Forbes magazine As much as 60 percent Americans of working age admitted that it had an affair at work.
We asked a licensed marriage and family therapist, Anna Wright, or her customers had an emotional or physical relationship with a colleague – including non -spy romances.
– It would be easier to mention the cases when the topic did not come out Says Wright. – Falling in love or romance with someone from work is much more common than people want to publicly admit it. And I have the privilege of looking into the hearts and minds of thousands of people – he adds.
According to Wright Romances at work usually start not with actions, but with feelings – fantasy, quiet longings and “mixes of confusion and shame”. If her client has an affair at work, it is often not about this new relationship – but an attempt to light up something that they lost in themselves.
Even if the relationship is not an affair, a relationship between colleagues can be a problem not only for HR, but also for the environment-colleagues who have to endure a couple in love (or later).
See also: In forty I quit a stable job because I needed a break. I use a three -stage plan so as not to ruin the family's finances
Work is a fertile ground for closeness
Romantic relationships at work have a long history. Already in 1870 there were intimacy – then called in translation from English “behaviors without a name” – between women and men in offices, as historian Julie Berebitsky writes in the book “Sex & the Office: A History of Gender, Power, and Desire.”
We spend a lot of time with colleagues. According to Bureau of Labor Statistics, full -time employees in the US spend 7.6 hours a day at work. Assuming that we are active for 16 hours, it means that We spend over 1/3 of our time at work – Personally or by Slack.
“Frequently seeing someone makes us feel more free with them and closer,” said Vanessa Bohns, a professor of organizational behavior from the University of Cornell.
This is the so -called The effect of pure exposureI: The more we see someone, the more we like him and the more he can pull us to him. Added to this is the “effect of closeness” – a human tendency to establish relationships with people who are physically close.
– One study showed that people more often create close relationships with neighbors living behind the wall than with those who live four doors away Bohns added.
It's logical: the more you see someone, the more you get used to him, learn his behavior and discover new pages of his personality.
In addition, colleagues often divide the same goals, stress, routine and environment. They support each other in difficult moments and tasks. Every day they can help feel safe, competent and confident.
This – as Wright says – “raw materials for building emotional closeness.” Therefore, although the relationship at work may seem inappropriate, in fact it is often natural.
“We dress elegantly, solve problems together, we are noticed and admired – which may not happen at home, where someone reminds you that you have to wash dishes and bathe children,” notes Wright.
– Being noticed in the professional environment – especially if you feel unnoticed elsewhere – it can even have a intoxicating effect – he adds.
Middle age crisis and the need for revival
In his therapeutic practice, Wright notices “Clear growth” “romances at work” between 30 and 50 years of age “ – Especially in people in relationships.
“This is the moment when people begin to question everything: their marriage, the meaning of life, sense of energy,” says Wright. It is not always about betrayal as such – only identity.
If you are married or married, you have children, you probably together with your partner have done the most tedious and difficult obligations – budgeting of kindergarten expenditure, lunch packaging, tax settlements or determining who is washing up this time. Wright calls this “routine phase” in a relationship.
The exciting bond with a colleague “interrupts the autopilot mode” everyday life and can awaken the long -sleeping needs and personality parts. And if your current relationship is falling apart, a friend from work can also give you support and a sense of understanding.
“What my clients try to determine in therapy, not” should I continue it? “, But rather” what did this wake up in me? ” – reveals the expert.
Is romance at work okay?
There is a reason why everyone shares this loud recording from the so -called Kiss Cam. Such an affair contradicts the illusion that work and personal life are separate. This is also the reason why so many romances at work appear in pop culture – e.g. in “scandal”, “surgeons” or “from the archives X”.
“It disturbs the illusion that work is something separate from life,” says Wright. As viewers, we feel forced to evaluate it, sympathize, condemn it – or simply, because somewhere inside we want it ourselves and we ask ourselves the question: “What if I did it?” This is a cultural inflammatory spark – he adds.
Is meeting someone at work something bad? Not necessarily – but it's complicated.
According to Society for Human Resource Management, romances at work can lead to an awkward or tense atmosphere (after all, everyday seeing a former partner is not easy). Other employees can also make a conflict of interest – nobody wants to feel that someone gets special considerations.
The most important question that is worth asking yourself at an affair at work is: Is there an inequality of power? Does one person affect the career of the other?
That is why Bohns believes that companies should act proactively, developing policies that protect both involved people and their colleagues. – Politics prohibiting romances in advance are doomed to failure – says.
If you are already in such an affair, Wright suggests to think about what emotional need he satisfies – especially if you are in a stable relationship. In working with clients, he strives to remove the shame and guilt from them so that they can reach the source of what moved them.
Sometimes, between spreadsheets and messages in Slack, we find not only a bond. We also find ourselves.
The above text is a translation from the American edition of Business Insider
