Our relationship with money doesn't start with our first paycheck. Psychologist: “It comes from old stories, passed down from generation to generation”

We inherit not only material possessions, but also financial beliefs that we do not know about. Learn from psychologist and psychotherapist Aloma Odogwu how to recognize that you are not living your financial beliefs.

Our relationship with money, a complex legacy Photo source Pixabay

Transgenerational trauma, the family as a system: How the relationship with money is transmitted

Our relationship with money does not start when we receive our first paycheck, but much earlier, in childhood, when we lived in the house with an unseen fear of money, which was passed down from generation to generation.

How many times have we heard our parents talking in whispers about bills, about installments, about the money that is sometimes insufficient to cover the family's needs. How many times have we not been told:
“not now, we don't have money”.

In many families in Romania, the fear of poverty, hunger, lack of money, is an omnipresent story coming from the history of the 1945s, based on the harsh reality that our grandparents experienced related to the transition to communism.

These are expressions that were constantly repeated in our childhood and adolescence. And here we come as adults, carrying with us the same fears about money, the lack of it, how it can make us happy, or not.

In the interview for “the truth”psychologist Aloma Odogwu explains how we end up inheriting not just material possessions, but also financial beliefs we don't know we have.

“It is important to understand that the family is part of a larger system. Our parents were influenced by the communist system, so we are raised by someone who was marked by that context. We cannot take the individual from the system and say that he was not influenced. In childhood we do not make these connections. Our brain capacity is only 20% and it is geared towards survival. What we learn is through modeling, through mirror neurons. difficult, we don't spend anymore, we don't have money” the child hears them constantly, he doesn't understand much rationally, but through all the adult's reactions he understands that there is fear. The unfulfilled experiences of the parents, the emotions they felt and which were not regulated, the children live them on a physical level, and in the adult stage, they return, bloom like a lotus flower and become a blockage that is cemented in the brain”. explains the specialist.

It's not economic fatality, but limiting beliefs that block us. It's not just about the money, it's about the stories behind it, the beliefs, values ​​and convictions we've developed and brought into our constant money panic.

“We are programmed by what we saw our parents and grandparents did, what attitude they had towards money, if they were generous, if they were hoarded. All the things our parents did in relation to money influenced us too, becoming strong beliefs that shape our behavior as adults. Many times, we live according to a script that no longer belongs to us”. says psychologist Aloma Odogwu

How do you recognize that you are not living according to your own beliefs

You can have this anxiety without realizing it, inheriting a negative thought pattern about money without realizing it. It is important to look at your own financial behavior to identify if something is wrong, if a certain fear related to money is also reflected in reality.

The specialist points out that there are certain behaviors that are important to follow when it comes to our relationship with money.

“You end up spending compulsively, you can't stop, as a temporary emotional regulation mechanism. Or you're the exact opposite: you accumulate possessions obsessively, as if you'll never have enough. Optimizing spending becomes a true obsession, for example when you sit for half an hour in front of a shelf to decide between two detergent products. Or, you've stayed with the same salary for 20 years in an organization because you never managed to ask for a raise. Why? Because the message from the back is “it's good that I have a job, I'm not asking for more, leave it like that, so I don't lose what I have”. You associate money with illness or unhappiness, you constantly compare yourself, “why do others have so much money and I can't?”. All of these behaviors are based on internalized beliefs and convictions, not your present reality. They are echoes from the past”, details the psychologist in the interview for “The Truth”.

Also from our family we also took certain messages related to money that became our own internal programs. Among the most common are: money doesn't grow on trees, we have no money, we are poor, don't do this, you might lose everything. These phrases are repeated so often that they become unshakable beliefs. We no longer question them, we take them as absolute truths and build financial decisions on them.

“The child learns by modeling, not by what he is told theoretically, but by what he sees. If he witnesses constant fear, discussions about money or heated arguments, this becomes the normal way of relating to finances, and even if later, as an adult, he earns well and has stability, his body and mind will continue to react as if he is in danger.” argues the psychologist.

Financial Sabotage: How to Change Your Own Blocking Beliefs

Financial sabotage is real and it's automatic. When you've internalized that you don't deserve more, that it's dangerous to ask, that safety means staying invisible, you act on these beliefs without realizing it.

In the podcast interview Stress free money with a healthy mind, the psychologist explains the mechanism behind it and how we can break free from these limiting behaviors.

“There are people who have not progressed in salary in decades not because they are not competent, but because the message received was: keep what you have, don't risk it. Instinct tells them otherwise, but learned faith is stronger. The curse, or rather the script, works as a self-sabotage and can only be undone by the individual, through the desire to evolve and do differently. There is no magic wand. There is no hypnosis that automatically erases the program. The first step is awareness. If you put your beliefs about money on paper and ask yourself: does it belong to me or does it belong to my parents, my grandparents, you begin to make the necessary separation. After awareness comes acceptance: yes, ok, I have this problem. And only after that the integration: I act differently. Break the chain.”

Your story or relationship with money can be rewritten, because no one is doomed to repeat the same scenario. But it is relevant how we understand this process and why reason is not enough, this time.

The psychologist talks about a job we have to do with ourselves, from the bottom up.

“Fear is at the somatic level. The reptilian brain, the one that gives us safety, perceives a stimulus related to fear or pain. This creates a deadlock that is not rational. When the nervous system perceives that you are not safe, even if you objectively have a stable income, it will reactivate the old survival programs. You can't access your rational side, the part where you see solutions and opportunities, when your body is in fire mode. That is why it is necessary to descend from the mental to the physical, first to calm the nervous system, by breathing, by anchoring in the present, so that only then can you think clearly. Only 20% of what we process goes to the body from the brain, the remaining 80% comes the other way around. When the body is peaceful, you can self-regulate, see clearly, act, plan, discuss, read, educate yourself financially. We are in a different era. The information exists. But it cannot be accessed when your nervous system holds you captive in the past.” argues Aloma Odogwu.

Your relationship with money is not just yours. It is a complex legacy, made of old fears, repeated messages, collective traumas and learned beliefs. But what is learned can also be unlearned. You must first recognize that the running script is not yours, that it is an inherited story, not your present reality. Only then can you rewrite your relationship with money.

Watch the full interview conducted and moderated by Antoaneta Banu and learn that emotional intelligence makes a good home with financial education!