Three ways parents can traumatize their children without realizing it. Specialist: “Adults become completely alienated from their own emotions”
Many people live with the impression that emotional wounds stem solely from difficult childhoods marked by obvious abuse, chaos, severe neglect, or instability. However, psychotherapy offices are full of adults who tell a completely different story. They testify to having parents who worked hard, provided them with all financial comfort, and never behaved in a visibly harmful way. By traditional standards, they had a “good” childhood.
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And yet, these same adults experience a feeling that is difficult to define: a feeling of emotional detachment, the difficulty of expressing their needs, and a certainty that they have been missing something essential, even if everything seems to be fine. Psychology has a precise term for this paradox, Dr. Mark Travers explains in a recent journal article Psychology Today: emotional neglect.
Unlike physical or verbal abuse, emotional neglect is not caused by bad things parents have done, but by essential things they have failed to do. More precisely, it is about the lack of that constant connection through which the parent sees, understands and validates the child's experiences. This explains why even children raised in functioning families, where the parents were responsible and well-intentioned, can become adults who carry this invisible trauma with them. Here are the three main ways in which such an unseen rupture can occur:
1. The parent took care of you but didn't connect emotionally
Parenting research often differentiates between “caregiving” and “attunement”. Caring means covering the child's physical and logistical needs: food, shelter, safety, school. Connecting, on the other hand, involves acknowledging and responding to the child's inner emotional world.
Psychologist Edward Tronick demonstrated the importance of this connection in his famous “impassive face experiment”. In it, the babies interacted normally with their mothers, until they suddenly adopted a neutral, unresponsive facial expression. Within seconds, the babies would become agitated and desperately try to get the mother's attention back. When unresponsiveness continued, children showed clear signs of emotional withdrawal.
The lesson here is not that parents need to be perfect, says Dr Mark Travers. In contrast, healthy relationships involve small disconnections followed by reconnection. Repair is important. But when the parent's emotional reactions are constantly limited, children learn that their inner feelings are not important, nor is it safe to express them.
2. Lack of validation and emotional “mirroring”.
As a parent, to be “good enough” it doesn't just mean do no harm; it also requires emotional presence. In modern families, many parents successfully tick all the practical tasks but fail at emotional availability, often due to stress, mental health issues or digital distractions.
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Studies show that emotional neglect in childhood greatly increases the risk of later adulthood suffering from depression, anxiety and behavioral disorders. When a parent ignores a child's sadness or anger, instead of validating it—an essential process called “emotional mirroring”—the child does not learn to recognize and manage their feelings. “The consequence? These children become adults completely alienated from their own emotions, often unable to understand or express what they really feel”points out Dr. Mark Travers.
3. The parent was affectionate but inconsistent
Another trap occurs when the parent is loving and responsible, but is himself more reserved or uncomfortable with the expression of vulnerability, the specialist points out. When the parent's emotional responses are distant or inconsistent, children may develop an avoidant or anxious attachment style.
Children are extraordinarily adaptable, points out Dr. Mark Travers. When their emotional needs are not met, they prefer to lower their own expectations to maintain family stability. In childhood, this defense mechanism can be confused with “maturity” or “independence”. But in adulthood, it translates into difficulty asking for help, discomfort with vulnerability, and a chronic feeling of loneliness, even when surrounded by other people.
The invisible wound can be healed
The big challenge for adults raised in such environments is to recognize that this emotional lack feels like they have been betrayed. We love and respect our parents for their efforts, but, points out Dr. Mark Travers, acknowledging that certain emotional needs weren't met doesn't mean our parents failed as people or didn't care. “They gave us the best kind of care they knew how, often limited by the way they were raised.”
The good news is that emotional development does not stop with the end of childhood. Adults can learn to build strong, balanced relationships in adulthood with the help of friendships, healthy romantic relationships, and psychotherapy. Sometimes, the simple fact of giving a name to this feeling of inner emptiness – and admitting that it stems from a lack from childhood – is the first and most liberating step towards healing, concludes the specialist.
