The steps we must follow to ensure children's emotional balance. “What do you feel?” and “What do you think?”, the questions that can give them confidence
Lack of discipline is not the problem. Nor lack of ambition. But the fact that many children do not feel safe to say what they feel. After an analysis of over 200 cases, specialist Reem Raouda draws attention to a common mistake: parents raise high-achieving but emotionally disconnected children. What is there to do?
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Pressure on results has become the norm in parenting. High grades, impeccable behavior, extracurricular activities ticked off. In theory, the recipe for success. In reality, explains mother and certified parenting coach Reem Raouda in an article published on CNBC, this strategy misses the very foundation on which a child's balance depends: emotional safety.
The child does not need to be “corrected”, but understood
The specialist, who has directly observed more than 200 children, says that, beyond difficult or oppositional behaviors, there is often an ignored problem: children do not feel safe to express what they feel and what they need. The effects do not appear immediately, but are seen later in adult life.
“The way a child feels in relation to his parent says a lot about the adult he will become”, explains the specialist.
When the child is going through an intense emotional episode, many parents react instinctively. When he cries, try to stop him immediately. When he gets angry, I ask him to calm down. When overwhelmed, they rush to remedy the situation. The intention is good, but the child may understand something else: that his emotions must be stopped quickly, not understood.
In such moments, the child does not primarily need correction or quick solutions, but an adult to stay by his side and show him that what he feels is natural.
“I see you're very upset. I'm here. Take the time you need”recommends Reem Raouda to tell the little ones.
This is, according to the author, the correct reaction. Not quick intervention, not emotion correction, but presence. The child thus learns that what he feels is not dangerous and should not be hidden.
Another common problem is minimizing what the child is feeling. Phrases like “you can't be hungry” or “you have no reason to be tired” I convey to him that his own feelings are not correct. Over time, the child ends up not trusting his feelings and relying on others to understand his emotions.
“What do you feel?” or “What do you think?” are the questions parents should ask more often, Raouda says, and then let the child answer at his own pace. Often, the child just needs to be allowed to talk, without being interrupted or corrected. That matters more than any explanation.
Also, an often overlooked thing occurs in the case of considered children “very good”. Often they are not necessarily more balanced, but rather adapted. They learned early that they are more easily accepted when they are quiet and don't cause trouble. Instead, the child who protests and shows his frustrations is often the one who feels safe enough to be himself.
Likewise, formulations such as “Bravo” or “it wasn't good”although they seem harmless, they can send the wrong message over time. The child comes to believe that he is constantly being evaluated and that his worth depends on what he does. Instead of these labels, it is more useful for the parent to say concretely what he sees, without judging. For example, instead of “well done,” the parent might say: I noticed how much work you put into this.
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The difference seems small, but it matters enormously. The focus shifts from the result to the effort, and the child no longer feels that they have to do things perfectly to be accepted.
Another problem arises when parents feel the need to intervene at every step. Explains everything, corrects everything, reacts immediately. At this rate, the child no longer gets to understand his emotions on his own. He ends up looking for answers outside and, gradually, he no longer knows how to listen to himself.
Reem Raouda points out that sometimes the most helpful thing a parent can do is not to intervene. To be there, without saying anything. Simple presence thus becomes real support.
In the end, the problem is not only about the child, but also about the adult. Emotional safety cannot be faked. Children can tell the difference between a forced calm and a genuine one
“Why am I reacting so strongly now?” It's the kind of question a parent might ask themselves when they feel the situation is beyond them. The simple fact that he realizes what is happening to him changes the way he will respond to the child. “What am I actually reacting to: what is the child doing or what am I feeling?”
A pause of a few seconds can be enough to stop a pattern that has been repeating itself for years. The coach's message is not comfortable, but it is clear. A child's balance is not primarily about grades or strict discipline, but about how secure he feels in his relationship with his parent. And this safety is not built through control, but through the way the adult stays present and manages his own reactions.
In the context where success is largely measured only in results, the perspective changes. In the long run, it's not just what the child achieves, but whether he's learned that he can be himself without fear.
Why it matters how parents react to children's emotions
A growing number of studies published in Frontiers in Developmental Psychology shows that the problem is not children's emotions, but how adults interpret and react to them. In other words, it is not the anger, fear or sadness itself that creates difficulties, but the message the child receives about these experiences.
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In a broad analysis “Parental beliefs about children's emotions within and across sociocultural contexts”, the researchers show that the way parents define their children's emotions – as helpful or bothersome, normal or problematic – is directly reflected in their everyday behavior.
In short, parents who see emotions as natural and important tend to treat them as opportunities to connect: listen, explain, put into words what the child is feeling. Conversely, when emotions are seen as “too much”, “inappropriate” or even dangerous, reactions go in the opposite direction: minimizing, ignoring or quickly correcting.
The effects are seen over time. Children who grow up in an environment where emotions are accepted learn more easily to recognize and manage them. They develop healthy emotional regulation strategies and are better able to ask for help or cope with difficult situations. Conversely, when emotions are constantly rejected or invalidated, children tend to avoid, repress, or misunderstand them—which can lead to long-term social and emotional difficulties.
In essence, the repeated reactions of parents create a “unwritten manual” about emotions: what is acceptable, what should be hidden, and how safe it is to be vulnerable. And for the child, this textbook becomes the basis of how he will understand and express his emotions later.
