You are not rejected. You're not weird. And most likely, you didn't make a bad impression either. The problem is different: your mind convinces you of this.
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Research conducted by Harvard University, the University of Pennsylvania and the company BetterUp shows that most people consistently underestimate their social impact. The phenomenon also has a name: “liking gap” – the difference between how likable you think you are and how likable you actually are, reveals a material published by CNBC.
In short, others like you more than you think. And this error is not harmless. It makes you back off just when you should be moving on.
“Social psychology suggests that the idea that we didn't make a great impression is often wrong. Research on the so-called 'liking gap' shows that people tend to consistently underestimate how much others like them after an interaction. In other words, while you critically reevaluate each line, the other person often leaves with a better impression than you imagine”explains Gabriela Răileanu, Adlerian psychotherapist, for “Adevărul”.
Why do you feel like you weren't good enough?
The explanation is not a lack of social skills, but the way the mind works.
After a conversation, the focus is not on what went well, but on the small errors: a too long pause, a clumsy wording, a slightly awkward moment. These details become disproportionately important.
“First, our minds are built to more easily notice what went wrong. Small hesitations, imperfect wording or awkward moments become much more visible to us than to others. It's what psychologists call a 'negative bias' – a tendency to give more weight to negative experiences and information compared to positive or neutral ones”explains the specialist.
In parallel, another error appears: overestimating the attention of others. “Second, we overestimate how much others are analyzing us. In reality, most people are far more busy thinking about their own social performance than yours. And they're asking the same questions: 'Did I do OK?' “Did I look interesting?”,” adds Gabriela Răileanu.
The result is paradoxical. Two people walk away from the same conversation convinced they weren't nice enough, when in reality they liked each other.
As Erica Boothby, researcher and co-author of the studies on the so-called “liking gap”, explains, the interest in this phenomenon started from a personal experience. After a meeting with a potential research partner, he admits he found himself obsessively analyzing the conversation and wondering if the expressed interest was genuine or just a momentary politeness. Although the discussion had, objectively, been a success, doubt lingered. The situation made her ask herself a simple question: how much of what we think about the impression we leave is actually real?
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The problem is not the thought itself, but what you do with it. If you walk away from an interaction convinced that you were not liked, your behavior changes immediately. Don't send any more messages. Stop proposing any dates. I don't carry on any more conversation.
“Because perceptions generate behaviors. If you think you weren't liked, you start to withdraw: you don't initiate a second conversation, you don't message back, you don't propose your collaboration or idea. Over time, relationships don't develop – not because there isn't potential, but because it isn't nurtured”says the psychotherapist.
This is how a mechanism of silent self-sabotage arises: the initial assumption, although wrong, produces real consequences.
In the professional environment, the effect is even more visible. Research shows that people who feel valued have more courage to give feedback, communicate openly and engage. The others, on the contrary, remain expectant.
How do you check your own interpretations?
You don't need to suddenly become more confident. It's enough to stop thinking so hard that you're right when you think negatively.
“A simple hint: do you have hard evidence or just interpretations? Instead of trying to suddenly become more confident, start by becoming a little more skeptical of your own negative conclusions.” adds Gabriela Răileanu.
The exercise he suggests is simple: after a conversation, write down what you think went wrong and ask yourself what real evidence you have that the other person perceived the situation the same way. In most cases, this evidence is lacking.
At the same time, in his opinion, the solution is not to wait for confirmations, but to act in their absence.
Research shows that relationships are not built on certainty, but on initiative. Deadlock occurs when each is waiting for a signal from the other.
Often, a simple deadlock occurs: each is waiting for the other to make the first move. If after a good conversation there is no message, the temptation is to interpret the silence as a lack of interest. In reality, the other person may make the exact same assumption. Thus, two people interested in each other end up not continuing the relationship, not because there is no chemistry, but because neither acts.
“Act even in the presence of uncertainty! Send the message! Come back to the conversation! Propose the date! Don't wait for confirmation that you were liked – more often than not, it comes after you continue the relationship, not before.” continues the specialist.
Another frequently overlooked detail is clarity. If an interaction was good, say so directly. Most people don't take this step, even though they feel the same way.
The need to be liked is not a problem. There is no doubt either. It becomes problematic when you treat it as a fact, not an interpretation.
“It's worth normalizing something essential: the desire to be liked is human. Doubt is human. It doesn't have to go away. It only becomes problematic when you confuse it with reality.” concludes the psychotherapist.
At its core, the difference between relationships that work and relationships that go nowhere isn't necessarily about compatibility, it's about having the courage to move forward without any guarantees. And in most cases, the reality is simpler than it seems: people like you more than you think. You are the one who doesn't believe them.
