Do you drink in front of the kids? What they see at home haunts them for years. Psychologist: “It becomes, without us realizing it, something normal”
How do teenagers relate to alcohol? Mostly from what I see at home, and the age at which this matters most is more precise than we would think.
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A study by researcher Sergey Alexeev, based on data from one of the largest longitudinal projects in the world – Household, Income and Labor Dynamics in Australia (HILDA) – it shows that between the ages of 15 and 17 young people are the most receptive to the models in the family and form their own benchmarks about what a consumption means “normal” of alcohol.
“The research results show us that the parental influence is strongest in the 15-17 age range, decreases around the age of 20 and returns later, between 28 and 37 years, especially in the case of those who become parents themselves”, he explains.
The analysis also shows that habits are not inherited, but learned. Children do not take what they are told, but what they repeatedly see at home. It's not a specific moment that matters, but the big picture – how often alcohol appears, in what situations and what role it plays in family life.
What is seen in the family matters more than it seems
“Children learn not only from what they are told, but mostly from what they see at home. When alcohol is present in the family, even occasionally, it becomes, without us realizing it, something normal in their eyes. Not because we explain it to them, but because they see it repeatedly.” explains for “Adevărul” Ileana Ungureanu, clinical psychologist and integrative psychotherapist.
Between the ages of 15 and 17 is a time when teenagers form habits and test their limits, she adds. “In this range, they are very attentive to the difference between what parents say and what they do. If the message is 'be careful', but the behavior shows that alcohol is being used for relaxation or socializing, it is the actual pattern that will matter.” It's not about strict bans, it's about consistency. Parents reduce the risks when they set clear boundaries, talk openly about consumption and watch their own example. For teenagers, parents' behavior remains the strongest benchmark”the psychologist.
Gabriela Răileanu, Adlerian psychotherapist, draws attention to the fact that teenagers are not sponges that automatically absorb what they see at home – they observe, interpret and, in the end, choose. “There are young people raised in families where alcohol was present who decide that it is not for them, and vice versa – young people from backgrounds with problematic drinking who consciously choose not to repeat the same pattern. This shows us that people are not only the result of the environment in which they grow up, but also of their own decisions”she points out.
According to him, adolescence is a complex stage, in which many other factors intervene: the group of friends, the need for belonging, personal values in formation and own experiences. “Drinking behaviors can be about social integration. In other words, a teenager doesn't necessarily drink because that's what they saw their parents do, but because that's how it's done in the group,” continues Gabriela Răileanu.
It's not the glass itself that's the problem
Furthermore, it is not the mere fact that a parent consumes alcohol in front of the child or adolescent that is essential, but the amount, context and significance of that behavior. “An important nuance appears when alcohol is used as an emotional regulation mechanism – 'I drink to calm down', 'to relieve stress.' In such situations, the message sent to children is no longer about moderation, but about a coping strategy that can be picked up later. In other words, it is not the “glass” itself that is the problem, but its psychological function in everyday life.” scores the specialist.
She argues that when alcohol consumption becomes problematic, the impact on adolescents is not only through imitation, but mostly through indirect effects – strained relationships, inconsistent parenting and difficulties with emotional regulation in the family. “In contrast, occasional, moderate consumption integrated into a balanced lifestyle is not in itself a cause for concern.”
What can parents do, specifically? “First, to model moderation. Teenagers don't need perfection, but realistic examples of balance. Second, to be mindful of how they relate to emotions. If alcohol becomes the primary solution to stress or tension, other ways of emotional regulation are worth exploring.”explains Gabriela Răileanu.
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Equally important, she believes, is communication. Open, age-appropriate discussions about alcohol and its effects can have a greater impact than simply banning it. “Last but not least, the parent-child relationship remains a critical factor. A teenager who feels safe, listened to and understood will be more likely to make healthy decisions, including when it comes to drinking. It's not helpful to look at this subject through the lens of guilt. Most parents who drink alcohol occasionally and responsibly have no real cause for concern. More important than a glass of wine is the overall message the teen receives about balance, responsibility and how we relate to ourselves himself”, concludes the psychotherapist.
What dads are saying on Reddit about drinking in front of their kids
At an international parenting group dedicated especially to fathers, the discussion about alcohol in the presence of children revealed how for many parents, the problem is not whether the little ones see a glass of wine or a beer at the table, but when consumption visibly changes the adult's behavior.
For example, one user summarizes the limit he sets very simply: “Drinking in front of my daughter. A little tipsy, yes. Drunk, no.”
Another father says: “Now that I think about it, I don't think I've gotten this drunk since my first child was born. I have a drink at dinner in front of them, but I save that mild dizziness for when they've fallen asleep.”
Another commenter explains that he prefers not to completely hide alcohol, but also not to normalize excess: “Like anything else, as long as you show kids what responsible behavior is, I think it's a good thing. I have the occasional glass of wine or whiskey, and if I get a little dizzy, I explain it to them and tell them I would never drive like that.”
Several panelists say they grew up in homes where alcohol was either completely absent or only present in excess, and that left them without a model of what moderation means. A user writes: “My family doesn't drink at all, on both sides, and that didn't really model for me how to drink in moderation. Honestly, sometimes I think I would have preferred to have had a healthy example, not a complete lack of one.”
The same idea appears in another comment, coming from a person who had to give up drinking alcohol: “My parents drink constantly. They had beer for dinner, drinks on holidays and cocktails on Fridays after work. That taught me the ritual and the idea that drinking is fun and relaxing. That's how I viewed alcohol when I started drinking. It just went downhill from there. I've been sober for three years.”
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“I grew up in an environment where drinking was normal, and I thought my drinking was normal. I spent much of my 20s and 30s working and drinking, both to excess. I am now sober and have two beautiful children who will never see their father in a drunken state. They will have a father who is lucid and available to them, able to step in whenever they need it.” says another parent.
For other dads, the key isn't a total ban, but they have a very strict operating rule. One of them says that he chooses to drink only within very clear limits: “I know if I have two beers at the table, I'm lucid enough to stay responsible and still enjoy myself a little bit. I've never had more than two drinks at a time when the kids are around, because I know if I get to a third, I'm probably going to have a fourth.”
However, there are also parents who believe that the simple fact that a child notices a change in the adult's behavior after alcohol is already a sign that it has gone too far. One commenter, who grew up in a home where alcohol was abused, writes: “Personally, I think if the little ones notice a negative effect of alcohol on you, you're already over the limit.”
“My son is 10 and I've never drank in front of him. I drink very rarely and very little. I felt that if I wanted a drink badly enough to drink it in front of him, I had a problem.” someone else confesses.
