The 10 minutes a day that can change a family: “Children don't need perfect parents, they need parents who come back”
Many parents spend hours with their children
– at the table, in the car, in the same room
– and yet the child feels alone. Not because the parents don't YOU love, but because physical presence and real presence are two different things.
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Parents usually reach the psychologist too late. Not because they don't care about their children, but because they tried for a long time to carry the tension in the family themselves – they explained, corrected, set limits, tried everything they knew. By then, the child had withdrawn more and more: more time spent online, sleepless nights, more frequent conflicts, a distance that gradually set in. The figures confirm this reality with disturbing precision: almost half of teenagers in Romania experience symptoms of anxiety, one in five shows symptoms of depression, and one in four goes through moderate or severe mental and emotional difficulties. Behind these numbers, as a rule, there are no sudden crises, but years of little ignored signs, emotions without space, conflicts closed in a hurry.
“Emotional health doesn't start when a problem arises,”
says in an interview for “Weekend Adevărul” Ana Mărgărita, parental adviser. “It starts from the child's first relationships, from the way he is seen, listened to and reassured when he is having a hard time”. Ana Mărgărita works with families from small communities, where parents carry anxiety and fatigue alone, without real spaces for dialogue with specialists, and questions often remain in the family or migrate to the Internet. She talks about things so ordinary that they go unnoticed: how we respond to a child's cry, if we come back after raising our voice, if there is room in the house for a difficult question. The relationship is not built from big gestures, she says, but from the accumulation of these small moments, repeated day by day.
Ana Mărgărita is also the initiator of the series of dialogues for parents
“From Roots to Wings”whose first edition will take place on April 2, at Curtea de Argeș. In many communities outside the big urban centers, parents face the same challenges: anxiety, relationship difficulties, excessive screen consumption, risky behaviors, but without access to specialists or dialogue contexts. Emotional prevention remains invisible, and support often appears only in borderline situations. The event proposes a paradigm shift: early intervention, built in the parent-child relationship, as a form of long-term protection. Topics covered include children's attachment and emotional needs, emotional regulation and boundaries, the relationship with the digital environment, and addiction prevention. The format is one of open dialogue, which encourages active audience participation, not the delivery of standardized solutions.
“Weekend Truth“: Many parents say: “My child has no problem”. At what point should parents actually start paying attention to their children's emotional health?
Ana Margărita: Emotional health does not begin the moment a problem arises. It starts from the child's first relationships, from the way he is seen, listened to and reassured when he is having a hard time. Often we only get to talk about emotional health when visible symptoms appear: anxiety, withdrawal, aggression or difficulties at school. In reality, prevention starts much earlier, in the simple things of everyday life: how we respond to the child's cry, how we close a conflict, if there is space for emotions and questions in the family. A child does not have to “have a problem” for a parent to pay attention to their emotional health. The important question is whether he feels safe enough to come to us when he is in trouble.
What are the first signs that a child needs more emotional support at home, even if everything seems fine at school?
Many children manage to function well in school and at the same time carry a lot of tension inside. That's why signals often appear at home. It can be subtle things: frequent irritability, seemingly disproportionate outbursts, withdrawal, difficulty sleeping, refusing conversations, or a constant need for screens as a form of refuge. Sometimes the child becomes very perfectionist or very self-critical. Other times there are changes in eating behavior, relationships with friends or interest in school. These behaviors are not necessarily discipline problems. They are often the child's way of saying that they are having a hard time and don't yet know how to express it.
What mistakes do parents most often make without realizing it when trying to help their child?
One of the most common mistakes is the rush to correct behavior before understanding the emotion behind it. When the child is upset or overwhelmed, the adult's instinct is to explain, provide solutions, or immediately set limits. The problem is that at that point the child can no longer process explanations. His nervous system is already on alert. That's why the first step is not to correct, but to connect. When the child calms down and feels safe, only then can he learn something from that moment. Many parents try to correct the behavior. But children need to be understood first.
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Small moments, lasting relationship
Are there seemingly “small” things that parents ignore, but that can affect the relationship they have with their child in the long run?
Yes. In fact, the relationship is built precisely from these seemingly small things. How we close a conflict. Whether or not we come back after raising our voice. If there are times when we are truly present, or if our interactions with the child are almost exclusively about rules, homework and correction. Sometimes it matters more if we come back after a difficult moment and say “I'm sorry” than if we managed to avoid the conflict completely. The relationship is not built from big gestures, but from the accumulation of these small moments. Children don't remember perfect speeches, but they sense very clearly if the adult remains available when things get difficult.
If a parent wanted to start building a better relationship with their child tomorrow, what would be the first thing they could do?
To create a brief moment of real presence every day. Not something complicated. Ten minutes in which the phone is put away and the attention is only on the child. No correction, no rush, no evaluation. Children immediately feel the difference between being next to them and really being with them. And these small moments, repeated over time, become the foundation of the relationship.
What would you say to parents who think it's already too late to fix things with their child?
In the parent-child relationship it is very rarely “too late”. Children don't need perfect parents. They need returning parents. Repair, even late, matters enormously. Sometimes an honest conversation or a simple admission – “I'm sorry, I wasn't there like I wanted to be” – can reopen the relationship. The bond is not repaired by perfection, but by return.
“Asking for support is a sign of responsibility”
In your experience, when do parents end up asking for help and what has already happened in the family by then?
In most cases, parents end up asking for help quite late. Not because they don't care, but because they spend a lot of time trying to manage family situations on their own. Sometimes I reach the moment when the tension has become visible: conflicts are frequent, the child reacts intensely or the relationship seems blocked. Other times, things are harder to notice, because they don't appear as a crisis, but as a withdrawal. The child begins to isolate himself, spends more and more time online, sleep difficulties appear, changes in eating behavior, decreased interest in school or poorer academic results. In some situations, risky behaviors, problematic screen use or other forms of addiction, episodes of violence or behavioral disorders also occur. Up until that point, parents have often tried many things on their own and reach out for specialist help when they feel that their relationship with their child is starting to falter. In small towns, this moment comes even later, because there are very few support spaces for parents. Questions often stay in the family or end up on the Internet, not in a real dialogue with specialists.
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Why is it sometimes difficult for parents to ask for help or talk about family difficulties?
Because parenting is one of the roles where the pressure to “do well” is very high. Many parents feel that asking for help means they've made a mistake or aren't good enough. In reality, asking for support is a sign of responsibility. There is also the fear of judgment. In small communities, people know each other and vulnerability becomes more difficult. That's why we need safe spaces where these conversations can exist without shame.
The slow pace of a small community
What has surprised you most so far about the needs of parents in the communities you work with?
It surprised me how alone many parents feel. There is a lot of care and a lot of desire to do good, but very few spaces where these questions can be openly discussed. Especially in small towns, parents carry the anxiety, fatigue and uncertainty of their relationship with their children alone. Often, just being able to talk to other parents or professionals changes the perspective. They realize that they are not alone and that the difficulties they are experiencing are, in fact, very common.
What changes do you see in parents who participate in Roots to Wings support groups or dialogues? What can a support group for parents do?
The changes are not spectacular, but they are very deep. Parents are starting to slow down. They become more attentive to their tone, the way they close conflicts and the moments of reconnection with the child. A support group doesn't offer quick fixes. It provides something much more important: context and normalization. Parents discover that they are not alone in their struggles and that many of their questions are common. When this sense of community emerges, the pressure is off. And when the pressure is off, parents become more available for their relationship with their children.
