The secret to lasting love? Emotional harmony between partners: “Reduces stress, activates the security system”

“From an applied psychological perspective, love is a collection of neurobiological processes. It activates four systems: dopamine, which is about that intense reward of falling in love; oxytocin, the attachment hormone; vasopressin, which contributes to the establishment of long-term bonds by supporting caring and protective behaviors; and cortisol, high at the beginning, responsible for intense emotions, but which decreases along the way“, Alexandra Dincovici, a psychologist trained in person-centered psychotherapy, explains for “Adevărul”.

Photo credit: Shutterstock

“According to Bowlby, Hazan, and Shaver, romantic love is a form of adult attachment. Specifically, love is co-regulating, reducing stress, activating the safety system,” she says.

Love, seen from the cabinet

Moreover, the psychologist points out that mature love works as a process that requires real emotional skills. “Only a small part of Romanians start adult life with a secure attachment. Most tend towards it starting from anxious, avoidant or disorganized models. Love is an emotional-relational competence, based on learnable skills.”

Among these skills, Alexandra Dincovici indicates three operational pillars. “Effective communication. Gottman, Sue Johnson, and Bowlby show that people who love each other healthily use reflection, clarification, active listening, and conflict repair. Don't listen to respond defensively. (…) Flexibility: adapting to the other's emotional style, adjusting behaviors, being open to compromise and understanding, and emotional regulation: postponing impulsive reactions, tolerating frustration, remaining present even in a tense context.”

To these are added the indicators of finesse: empathy, responsiveness and the ability to co-regulate. “To take into account the other's emotions, to respond in a timely manner, to be able to calm down and let myself be calmed down”, she thinks.

Positive resonance predicts stable love

Recently, a study published in the journal Personal Relationships that looks in detail at the dynamics of 148 couples married for about three decades reveals how couples that show more frequent “positive resonance” score higher in the category of stable, long-lasting love.

Positive resonance refers to observable emotional synchronization: facial expressions that align, tones of voice that harmonize, shared reactions to the same stimulus. These micro-synchronizations trigger neurobiological responses, including the release of oxytocin, which strengthen the bond between partners.

The 148 married couples participated in two laboratory sessions, in which they discussed a marital conflict while being videotaped and heart-monitored. The recordings were analyzed to identify the level of positive resonance. Afterwards, the participants filled out questionnaires about how they perceive their partner and the intensity of their love.

The results were clear: where positive synchronization was more frequent, the researchers found both higher levels of “steady love”as well as momentary fluctuations of love that followed the fluctuations in resonance. In other words, visible and measurable emotional connection predicts both the stability of the relationship and its current dynamics.

The authors also note an important methodological limitation: part of the correlation may be influenced by the fact that both resonance and love were assessed from the same videos. However, the data provide the first consistent empirical support for the idea that love can be observed and quantified through these micro-synchronizations.

At this point, the research supports what is also seen in therapeutic practice: well-functioning relationships have clear patterns of emotional connection and behavioral synchronization. They are not metaphors, they are measurable processes that influence the stability of a couple.

The voice of the community, on Reddit

The discussion sparked by the study garnered dozens of reactions on Reddit, showing how for many, the idea of ​​”positive resonance” isn't necessarily a lived reality, but rather an indicator of inner distance. For example, one commented that he feels “doomed” because he doesn't feel like he resonates with anyone, not even his own emotional life. Someone else described themselves as a person “rather negative”but noticed that a simple gesture like appreciating the people close to you and showing your gratitude can change the dynamics of a relationship more than it seems.

Another user added that if the inability to “value” someone becomes an obstacle, this is a skill that can be learned in therapy. From the comments, the most common feeling is that of being overwhelmed and emotionally blocked.

Another panelist chimed in saying that: When you start with a negative attitude and refuse to try, nothing changes. His comment went in the direction of personal responsibility: “many people have gone through trauma and long periods of unhappiness, but change only occurs when one chooses to step outside of one's own reflexes.” He described how, after years of difficult emotions, he managed to build a stable relationship “deliberately feeding the flame of gratitude.” He called love and happiness “effortful processes”, not spontaneous experiences.

Another user added that while the process can be overwhelming, simply talking to a professional and taking small steps can turn things around. And someone came up with a set of practical recommendations, very clear: hugs if they are well received, warm words, small gestures of “disinterested” support, time spent together. In short, love languages ​​applied in real life.

Someone else suggested that it can all start with self-compassion, which is cultivating some form of kindness towards yourself, especially if you can't give to others what you can't give to yourself. But someone admitted that he “honestly hates himself” and that he sees no way out. Another participant replied that: “if this way of living does not bother him, there are people who are happier alone. The human experience does not have one form.”

Another commenter asked if positive resonance can be learned or is it just compatibility? The response received was that “it's mostly intentional.” Moreover, he gave the example of answers “turned towards the partner” versus “turned outside the relationship”. “If your partner asks for your attention, and you choose to engage even if the topic doesn't really interest you, you create connection. If you ignore, you cut the cord.”