Which gift do you do someone who doesn't like you? Psychologists explain the hidden mechanisms behind the passive-aggressive gifts

Gifts are not always gestures of courtesy. Sometimes they become tools that carry small conflicts in the family, shows British publisher Robert Shrimley in a text published in the Financial Times. It all starts from the question of a reader, a woman invited to visit her “hate” in-laws, forced to bring a gift: What gift do you do to someone who hates you?

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“This is the kind of family conflict for which I live. Not just because it matches all my worst-aggressive and small family instincts, but also because if you don't have the wealth and grace of Elon Musk, we all went there in one way or another.”he writes.

Gifts as social weapons

Everything, Shrimsley points out, depends on the message you want to convey. “Do you want to repair the situation? Just keep the appearance? Do you target a well-calculated passive-aggressive gesture or, perhaps, just a scorn to leave them puzzled?” Subtlety is essential, “The host has the advantage of your own land, so don't force your hand too hard. But it would be a mistake not to see the opportunities here.”

In such situations, a trivial gift can say more than one carefully chosen. An scented candle or a bottle of wine bought from the corner store keeps the appearances and at the same time shows the lack of involvement.

Shrimsley also proposes more refined variants. Instead of conventional attention, he recommends a police book in which the criminal has the same hobby as the host, presented as the “book of the year”. Or, for a more visible symbolic blow, a charitable donation made on behalf of the host, ideally to a cause that does not like it and then flood its inbox with emails. Another solution would be to adopt, on behalf of the host, an animal.

“Of course, you could be an adult and behave beautifully. But where is the fun in this?“He adds.

A gift tells a story

“The gift is a message, a symbol, most of the time of the affection. But sometimes we have to make a gift as a social obligation and, consciously or unconsciously, we” pack “in that gift and our feelings. Either we choose something impersonal, neutral, or it will be an object through which we transmit without words everything we do not know.” Explains for the truth the clinical psychologist Luminița Tăbăran.

A valuable gift can be read not only as a sign of respect and affection, but also as a form of power exerted in the relationship. “If you pay attention to the signs, the way of manifesting and the energy of the one who offers you, you can easily understand what it feels for you”, emphasizes the psychologist.

For her, each gift has a personal narrative behind: “A gift tells a story. It starts with “it was once …” the person we give. In our minds are born states, colors, memories, and a red thread appears that guides you for the best choice. Everything is about the strongest emotion that these thoughts have triggered. ”

How do we choose the right gift then? The psychologist recommends a simple exercise: “When you do not know what to choose, you start to draw what comes to mind. The subconscious is a good guide, whatever the relationship with that person.”

The paradoxical and psychodynamics of the gift

From a psychodynamic perspective, the gift becomes a “paradoxical object” – a psychic container in which emotions, conflicts and ghosts are projected. Psychologist Anca Elena Boalcă explains for “Adevărul” that the gift “It is never an object, but a relational object that symbolizes the connection between two people.”

In his vision, each but hides a message. The capcala gift appears when, after a conflict, someone offers an excessively generous object. Behind the gesture is a mask of hostility, a way to say: “See how much I take care of you?”. Instead of repairing, the gift becomes a burden and a debt impossible to repay.

Then there is the gift-gift, the bulky and difficult object that must remain in the other's house. Symbolically, it represents a part of itself that the host is forced to keep, a passive-aggressive way to control space and attention.

Sometimes the gift becomes a judge. A book about managing anger offered to someone who had an emotional explosion or a subscription to the room given after a remark about weight transforms the gift into a hidden criticism. In reality, adds Anca Elena Boalcă, the one who offers projects on the other her own anxieties and defects. The anniversary gift is not without load. “The compulsive repeat of the same cold object, without emotion, or offering a gift reminiscent of a common trauma, perpetuates the wound instead of closing it”, The psychologist draws attention.

In the Romanian culture, the expression “Do not go empty -handed” reveals the tension between obligation and authenticity. “The gift is related to the superu, the moral court of the rules and debts. When we offer an inappropriate gift, a break between what is seen and the real emotion we do not recognize,” shows the specialist.

“The gift in conflict is a complex psychological dance, a theater of the unconscious where the dramas of ambivalence, repair and revenge is played. Before giving an object, we should have its own introspection. The true but not the one who ticks the social conventions, but the one who has the courage to recognize the rupture, A debt, the recovery of his authenticity becomes an act of psychological courage ”, concludes Anca Elena Boalcă.

When the gift becomes burden

Not all gifts are received with joy. Sometimes, they become evidence of an impossible relationship, in which any gesture is doomed to failure. On the Quora platform, a user told her personal experience with her mother, explaining how the gifts have gradually turned into a burden.

“I had an inappropriate relationship with my mother almost all my life“She writes. “Being a child, it was hard for me to choose a mother's day greeting to express what I really felt. Most had a flowering language about how wonderful my mother is, and I was always looking for a joke.”

Reaching the age of maturity, he confesses that he tried to buy “perfect” gifts, spending money he did not afford, with the hope that, at least once, he will receive the mother's approval. “I never succeeded and, after a few years, I gave up. I continued to offer gifts, but they were devoid of expectations, until my mother said she had no daughter, but only two sons. From that moment I refused to waste my money, who are few, and the emotions of someone who does not notice my feelings.”

His confession has gathered countless solidarity reactions on the platform, showing that, beyond the symbol of affection, the gift can also become the mirror of an affective break. In such cases, the object matters, but the relationship that makes it unused.