The article was based on a conversation with Tim Jordan from St. Louis, a 70-year-old teacher, dealing with teen and professional advisory. The text has been shortened and edited for greater transparency.
I have been working as a teacher and educational advisor for about 30 years. Over the past 15 years, my practice has focused on advising on school and academic people.
I have been married for 43 years. My wife and I both started in medical professions, but then we founded our own business and organized courses for parents, lectures and weekend workshops.
For many years we have been cooperating with Young Presdens' Organization, the Association of CEOs of companies. We organize family events for them and lectures on raising children in different parts of the world.
I noticed that people in managerial positions are very thirsty for knowledge about upbringing. Their professional life is ordered, they have succeeded, but they still want to develop as parents.
Based on my work with the presidents of companies and experience in family counseling, I noticed some key mistakes that parents who are successful make in raising children.
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Reloading children with extracurricular activities
Parents of success want their children to be successful. They want them to be the best at school or play in the best football team.
Everything revolves around their future, instead of what gives them pleasure.
I used to have a host, a high school student who was completely burned. She trained cheerleading, so she had to go to trainings and matches, but also danced, which was her real passion. She wanted to give up cheerleading, but her parents did not allow her, fearing that this would negatively affect her chances of getting to study.
Parents are afraid that their children will be behind. They want to provide them with an advantage. This is common fear in our culture.
I think Children should choose their own classes, but also have free time.
I recently talked to a family whose daughter goes to sixth grade. He plays volleyball, trains gymnastics and has several other activities. I told her my father that one important thing lacks on this list: time to play and rest. A moment to read or draw. Not to put it in the portfolio later, but because it gives her pleasure.
Free fun is a great way to learn, but today's children have less and less time for it.
Taking control of a child's motivation
When my parents press on children, they often ask me “How do I motivate my daughter?”
I answer that this is the wrong question. It is not the parent who should motivate the child. A better question is “How can I support my child's internal motivation?”
A good way is to ask questions that will make the child to reflect, e.g. Why does he want to get only Fridays or what he likes the most in playing football.
Once upon a time my wife talked with a girl who trained gymnastics. We asked her what makes her the greatest joy in this sport. She began to answer, but her father interrupted and showed us her trophies.
We saw that this was not her motivation, so we repeated the question. She replied that she likes the arrangements on the mat the most, because then all the attention is focused on her, and she can entertain the audience. This was her real, internal motivation.
People derive the greatest satisfaction from the things they do of their own will, not for the satisfaction of others.
Listen, what your child likes and use this knowledge to support them. You will not always be next to you to direct it. He must learn independent motivation, understanding what really drives him.
Fulfilling every whim of a child
Many presidents of companies I work with are worried if their children will not become spoiled and whether they will have ambitions. Many of them worked hard, but they realize that their children do not have to, because they were born in abundance.
Some even wonder Will the flight in the first grade not spoil their child.
My wife and I tell them that travel is a fantastic opportunity for education. They do not spoil, but constantly succumbing to the child's requests for new things.
Wealthy parents often fulfill children's whims because they can afford it. However, I encourage you to an approach in which money belongs to parents and children do not have automatic right to them.
Encourage children to earn and put an effort into getting things. This shapes their work ethics.
Once, when we were shopping with my son, he wanted a new pirate ship from Lego blocks. We told him that he could buy him for his own money. However, it cost $ 75. (about PLN 289), which surprised him. We encouraged him to play the leaves and find small work in the area if he really wanted to.
Not to tell your stories
Children look at parents as a ready product. They see them as successful entrepreneurs or people in a happy relationship. They do not see them as teenagers full of doubt or someone who did not get to the school basketball team.
Every entrepreneur I talked to had at least one business failure, and often a lot.
Parents should share their stories. When a child makes a mistake and is broken, a story of a similar experience shows him that the parent understands his feelings.
Children love to listen to history. This builds a deeper bond and gives them a sense of security that makes them easier to open.
The article is a translation from the American edition of Business Insider.
