Parenting plays a critical role in how a child learns to manage their emotions and relate to others. Children raised in dysfunctional families later experience difficulties in regulating emotions, forming close relationships and maintaining healthy self-esteem, according to a recent study published in Psychological Reports.
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American researchers Charlotte Kinrade and Peter J. Castagna point out that these findings have significant practical implications: dysfunctional parenting does not only affect the individual, but can generate costs for society through health problems, unemployment or social conflicts. Investing in parent education and prevention of abuse or neglect can reduce long-term negative effects and contribute to a better-adjusted population, they recommend.
“In offices, but also in schools, hospitals or companies, we increasingly see adults who struggle with responsibility: they postpone decisions, avoid tasks, feel overwhelmed by trivial things or, on the contrary, become excessively involved in the problems of others, but completely neglect their own needs. Behind these difficulties is not, as we have been culturally taught to believe, “lack of will”, but often a history of growing up in dysfunctional families”. Mirela Maftei, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, explains for “Adevărul”.
Responsibility is learned
In his opinion, not only obvious abuse (physical or verbal) leaves traces. Just as harmful, he says, are the subtle forms of trauma such as emotional absence, permanent criticism, emotional instability, hypercontrol, parenting the child or lack of validation and boundaries.
“A child's brain develops in direct relationship to the environment in which it grows. When the environment is unpredictable or uncertain, structures such as the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex are affected, areas responsible for emotion regulation, decision-making, and initiative. In other words, responsibility is not a static attribute. It is learned (or not) in childhood,” ccontinued the specialist.
According to him, in adulthood, one observes either low responsibility (difficulties in organizing, procrastination, avoiding tasks, fear of making decisions, lack of confidence in one's own abilities) or excessive responsibility towards others and very little towards oneself.
“When we talk about low responsibility, this profile is not related to 'laziness', but to the fact that, in childhood, the child was not encouraged, was not allowed to try or was criticized excessively. The overactive amygdala and the underactive prefrontal cortex are the basis of this vicious circle: emotion dominates reason, and initiative becomes fearful.” clarifies the psychotherapist.
On the other hand, when talking about excessive responsibility, Mirela Maftei confesses that many adults become “saviors”: they work too much, take on everyone's tasks, constantly fix, but completely ignore their own needs. “This is the consequence of early parentification and the tacit learning that their value is given by how much they give, not who they are.”
Studies show that most children raised in dysfunctional environments do not develop antisocial traits, but disorganized coping mechanisms based on: modeling, lack of internal control, and toxic shame,” she adds.
“On the one hand, the child learns responsibility by observing the parent. If the parent avoids, blames, manipulates, or controls excessively, the child 'borrows' the same relational style.” Moreover, children raised in unpredictable environments learn that “it doesn't matter what I do, everything happens over my head anyway.” In psychology, we talk about an externalized locus of control. At the same time, repeated messages such as “you are good for nothing” block the development of autonomy. Absent an internal sense of worth, accountability becomes too slippery a terrain to explore.”, confesses the specialist.
Mirela Maftei believes that socialization plays a major role in the manifestation of responsibility. “Women are culturally encouraged to be 'in charge of everyone's emotions.' This produces overwork, perfectionism and self-criticism, but also the difficulty of taking responsibility for one's own limits and desires. While men are guided towards performance but rarely helped to understand their emotions. They may seem less responsible in relationships or with their own emotional health, although they are often very involved professionally.”
Asked what, however, helps a child from a dysfunctional family to become a responsible adult, she says that research finds several key elements: a sufficiently present adult (parent, grandparent, teacher, therapist) who provides predictability and emotional support, age-appropriate tasks that gradually build confidence and autonomy without burdening the child, spaces where the child's voice matters and emotions are named and validated, and early psychological interventions, personal development groups, socio-emotional education programs.
What parents can do who want to break the dysfunctional cycle, according to Mirela Mafta:
• To recognize and correct their own mistakes.
• Provide a predictable framework with few and clear rules.
• Let go of shame, criticism and labels and focus on the behavior, not the child's identity.
• To allow the child to make mistakes without constantly saving him.
• To work on their own wounds, because a healed adult raises a responsible child.
“In Romania, the impact of the extended family can be twofold: protective (through involved grandparents and alternative attachment models) and vulnerable (through the pressure of “what the world says”, comparisons, shaming, rigid norms). This ambivalence shows how much we need emotional literacy and community resources to support relational health, not just performance. Adult responsibility is not a moral issue, but a deeply relational and neuropsychological one. Children who grow up in dysfunctional environments are not “defectives” but adapted to a difficult environment. In adulthood, however, these adaptations become limits. The good news is that responsibility can be learned with support, clarity, and corrective relational experiences.” concludes Mirela Maftei.
