Some pour their ex-partner's expensive liquor collection down the sink. Others intentionally turn on the heat or air conditioning when it's not appropriate, just to annoy the other person. Sometimes revenge takes the form of small gestures, such as refusing to flush the toilet. They are real reactions encountered after divorce, writes Andrea Javor, coach, in a material published in Women's Health, explaining that although they may seem liberating at the moment, these gestures consume energy and unnecessarily complicate things.
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The coach, who has been through two divorces, proposes seven simple habits that, she says, can help rebuild life after a breakup.
1. Rewrite your story
At the office or among friends, someone will notice the absence of the wedding ring. Someone else will ask you directly what happened to your marriage. If you don't feel like explaining, it's easier to prepare a short answer that changes the subject. For example: “Joe and I are no longer together. By the way, have you ever been to Italy?”
You tell those around you only as much as you want and change the direction of the discussion at any moment. This way you avoid unnecessary details and keep control over what you choose to say. Your personal life requires no justification.
2. Reorganize around the house
Has the ex-spouse already moved out? Then it's time to change something around the house. It can be a room or a specific place in the apartment that you can make your own.
For example, Andrea Javor gives the example of a woman who freed up part of her basement, where old sports equipment and her ex-husband's tools were stored, and turned it into a place only good for yoga. She says she, in turn, made a desk in her bedroom with colorful folders, notebooks and stationery she knew he would never accept.
3. No endless messages
Andrea Javor recommends that you avoid long exchanges of emails or messages with your ex-partner. A piece of advice that many lawyers also give, by the way. Hot letters tend to aggravate matters and can drag out legal proceedings, costing time and money. In addition, everything you write remains and can end up, if necessary, in front of a judge.
When you feel the urge to send a harsh message, Javor says you might want to take a break. Answer briefly, clearly and without attacks. In her experience, those who send emotionally charged messages almost always end up regretting them. If you feel the need to say what's on your mind, write the message, but don't send it. Better delete it or show it to a friend.
If you have children and need to stay in touch, Andrea Javor recommends using co-parenting apps like Our Family Wizard to help organize communication, schedules and expenses.
4. Accept that you can feel different things at the same time
Even in difficult divorces where there was infidelity or financial problems, it's normal to have mixed feelings about ending a relationship that was meant to last. Andrea Javor says it helps make room for both the pain and the good things that existed during all that time together.
According to him, the ideal would be to write a short thank-you letter to your ex-partner, not to send it to her, but to put down on paper what was valuable in the relationship. Many people end up mentioning the children, the support they received at key times, or important people who came into their lives through that relationship.
Javor believes that this exercise can help you take a more balanced look at the relationship you had and prepare clearly for the next one.
5. Do things you've never done before
Andrea Javor says that after a divorce it's a great opportunity to try all those things you've been putting off. She even sets an example. More precisely, during the second divorce she confesses that she took up embroidery, a hobby she would not have thought of before.
If something doesn't suit you, try something else. Javor also points out that there are also online communities for divorced people, where you can find both new activity ideas and people in similar situations.
6. Look to talk to people who are going through similar situations
Andrea Javor says that as much as family and friends support you, it helps immensely to talk to people who are going through the same thing. The experience of divorce is difficult to understand from the outside.
She recommends looking for groups or communities where people are trying to move on, not just bemoan their own self-pity. If you end up in a circle of people where the discussion revolves only around reproaches, says Javor, it's healthier to leave. “It's natural to vent from time to time over a glass of wine, with people in the same situation, but it's important not to get stuck”she says.
7. Ask for help when you need it
Andrea Javor says many people get stuck when it comes to asking others for help, even though that's when they need it the most. She remembers a time when she was crying on the couch for hours, and her brother called her to ask what he could do for her. He just told her to come visit and they stayed together. He watched the games, she cried. They didn't talk much, but she says it was enough for her to not feel like she was going through this alone.
Javor says it's important not to minimize your need for support. Many times, family and friends really want to help. And if you feel you need more, you can also turn to specialized support, such as a psychotherapist or a coach.
In short: you do what you can and ask for help when you feel you can't do it alone.
