Many parents feel that their work goes unnoticed. A recent study shows that simple appreciation from loved ones can reduce stress and improve relationships for the entire family.
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“In many families in Romania, I grew up with the message “what you are doing is normal, no one should praise you” or “I don't praise you anymore, don't let it get to your head”. The intention of the parents was, most of the time, a good one, they wanted to make us responsible, not to become “spoiled”. But emotionally, what happened was something else: many of us learned to function, to perform, to take care of everyone, but with an inner emptiness related to feeling seen, appreciated and validated.” Ana Postelnicu, clinical psychologist, explains for “Adevărul”.
When work goes unnoticed
In the office, he confesses that he often works with mothers who tell him: “I need to be told I'm a good mom and I'm doing a good job,” but, paradoxically, when I receive this validation I don't know how to react: “It's not my merit, it's the child who was good or receptive”.
“This happens because in the absence of praise or validation, we didn't even know how to receive these appreciations. Appreciation is not a treat, nor is it about 'oversensitivity', but it is food for our nervous system: when someone recognizes my effort, the body can relax a little more, the tension in the relationship decreases, and I no longer feel alone in everything I do. Therefore, what the studies also show, that the emotional health of parents depends a lot on the fact that they feel appreciated, is also confirmed very clearly in the stories I hear every day from the mothers I work with”says the psychologist.
In the relationship with children and teenagers, Ana Postelnicu believes that it is important, first, to make a difference between genuine appreciation, “facade” politeness and overvalidation. “When a parent says, “Say thank you now or we're not going anywhere with you,” the child is learning shame and conformity, not genuine gratitude. Genuine appreciation is primarily learned through the way we adults live and model it in the family and should be something intrinsic, coming from within the person. Overvalidation is again something harmful: when the child receives too much validation, even when it is not appropriate or received in difficult moments, then his emotion (sadness, anger, guilt or helplessness) is no longer seen and remains as an unfulfilled need”is the opinion of the specialist.
Ana Postelnicu's recommendations
- Let's start with us. Let's say to the husband and children, out loud: “Thank you for setting the table, it means a lot to me, I feel like we are a teamChildren learn the language of appreciation from what they hear between adults every day.
- Let's emphasize the effort, not just the result: “I saw how hard you worked on this project, that you worked and even got involved”. This helps children and teenagers to understand why they are appreciated and that there is more to see than the result achieved.
- Let's create little rituals of appreciation in the family. For example, in the evening, everyone says a small thing for which they are grateful to the others in the house. Those who don't feel like it one day can “pass” without being scolded.
- Let's also accept the more discreet forms of appreciation from teenagers: maybe they don't say “thank you” solemnly, but they sit next to us on the sofa or send us a funny meme. We can put them into words:
“When you come to me like that, I feel you close and that makes me happy.”
In his opinion, “we can't suddenly change all the messages we grew up with”, but we can do, in our families, something different: to leave room for gratitude, for all the good things that the other members do, even if it doesn't turn out the way we always want. “Being together, and being a family, is more than a series of tasks done on time or perfectly. It's about learning to be together, to respect each other, and to build together (through trial and error) what maybe sometimes we weren't taught to do.” she says.
Why it matters to be seen and heard
Studies confirm this reality. For example, Allen W. Barton, assistant professor at the University of Illinois, led a study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, which shows that parents who receive appreciation from their partner or children enjoy a better mental state, have better quality relationships and a more balanced parenting experience. Barton and his team observed that gratitude from children, especially teenagers, significantly reduced parental stress and accumulated tension.
Barton and his team observed that parents who felt more appreciated by their partners reported higher marital satisfaction and lower levels of stress.
In terms of the parent-child relationship, research shows that when parents perceive gratitude from children, parenting stress decreases. The effect is even more visible in the case of teenagers between 13 and 18 years old, compared to younger children, 4-12 years old.
The explanation, Barton says, lies in children's development: adults understand and express gratitude more clearly and directly. And for parents, receiving this validation can significantly reduce the built-up tension.
Gratitude from older children was also linked to lower levels of stress in parents overall. In short, when a parent feels appreciated by the teenager in the house, it not only relieves stress, but also stabilizes his well-being. In the case of young children, the effect probably does not occur because parents do not expect the same kind of expression of gratitude at a young age, so the lack of it does not matter as much.
The study also showed some interesting differences between parents by gender. Women in particular reported feeling less valued, both by their partners and older children, compared to men. However, when they felt valued by their children, the effect on relationship satisfaction and parenting stress levels was much stronger than for men. This suggests that men and women may perceive and react differently to family gratitude.
“We all want strong and lasting family relationships, whether it's with a spouse, children or other family members”said Allen Barton quoted by PsyPost. “As we think about what we can do to make this ideal a reality in our families, research shows us that gratitude plays a critical role. It's important to build a family environment where family members sincerely and frequently show their appreciation for one another, whether it's gestures that help someone directly or the entire family. It's easier said than done, but it's definitely worth the effort.”
He advises parents to encourage children to express their appreciation for the efforts of those around them, whether it's the other parent, siblings or even themselves. He points out that maintaining a functioning family requires constant involvement and mutual support, and when everyone's efforts are not recognized, things become more complicated.
